Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch

It’s not like I don’t have friends or other things to do – I actually had plans for tonight… they just kind of changed last minute… So now I’m spending the evening watching The Great British Bake Off and dreaming of making cakes that look like a dream and taste like a little piece of heaven. Note to self; get friends that has the immediate goal of getting fat fast… In the meantime, as not to eat a whole cake myself, I’m restraining from whipping up a marvelous chocolate cake and instead eating frozen melon balls, strawberries and drinking lemon tea – come to think of it, it’s kind of like having a British garden party in my living room!

Oh, and by the way – to get to the sources of the pictures, just click on them!

The countdown begins

I know it’s early but I can’t help it – the countdown has started! As of today there are only 25 days before I start my new job and out of those only 10 are working days. I can’t wait!

Knowing your worth

I have a big admiration for people who fight for their or others rights. People who don’t just sit back and take it. These are the people who have realized their own worth and are demanding others to see it to. These are the people we owe our basic rights to. One might think it’s easy, speaking your mind and protesting, “complaining” as some people call it, but basically it’s going against what your being told your worth and deserve, and not many people can do that.

In the north of Sweden some people are upset about loosing their local ambulance and their local ER because of budget cuts, politicians have presented alternatives like an emergency car that can give treatment but not transport the patients but so far the people aren’t going for it. There are a lot of sides to the story and I don’t intend to give a play-by-play of the discussion. I just mention it because I think it’s impressing that people are protesting instead of accepting that the politicians probably had some medical expertise involved that said it would work. I think it’s really cool that they are making it heard that they don’t accept being treated like second class citizens just because they live in a difficult geographical area of the country.

Recently I talked to a friend about young doctors working conditions in different hospitals. She had heard from some people that they were really happy with their nightshifts because they got to sleep up to two hours on a 16 hour shift – that was so much better than what they had experienced in other hospitals. There was a bit of a pride in having worked straight through the night and feeling that this shift (with two hours of sleep) – that my friend considered hard – was in fact a piece of cake, they were a bit tougher and faster, just a tiny bit more badass than the others. As my friend pointed out the agreement between our union and the region is that we actually have a right to four hours of sleep during a 16 hour night shift. So why are we acting all happy about being denied our rights? Why is it cool to have worked crossed-eyed through the night not giving the patients the time and attention they need? And I don’t care what anybody says, working straight through the night non-stop with patients doesn’t give the best patient care no matter how good of a doctor you think you are!

Young doctors are told that this is what they can expect, this is what they are supposed to be able to manage, but it’s not true. There are people who just like the old folks in the north of Sweden at one point said that it just wasn’t acceptable to have those kinds of working conditions and fought for our rights. If these people were living in a half deserted village in the coldest north of Sweden they probably would be happy not to have any medical care nearby – they would consider it cool to freeze to death after a car accident, they probably would think of themselves as just a tiny bit more badass than the people in the city nearby that rely on sissy things like ambulances and emergency rooms.

Christ, sometimes very intelligent people can be surprisingly dumb… 

Home

It takes me literately minutes to feel at home in a new place. I’ve been moving since I was a little kid – 3 years and 9 months to be precise. I don’t really remember anything from that time, but I’ve been told that I asked for my cousins and my aunts for a while after we moved. I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for my mom to explain to me that we had moved to a completely different continent and that it would be years and years before I saw them again, especially considering that, that specific fact probably was breaking hear heart just thinking about it.

I guess when that’s your starting point all other moves will be easier. The biggest one so far being me packing my bag (no, not plural – I had literately just one bag!) and moving to a different country to study and the hardest one being having to move out of my apartment because I had rented it out while planning a trip to Tanzania only to find out I wasn’t going and I couldn’t get out of the contract with the new tenant. Yeah, that one sucked.

Now here I am, again planning a move. In less than a month I’ll be cursing over the fact that I have so much stuff and wanting to throw everything out while not really having the heart to throw out shoes I’ve bought but never used because I bought them when my feet were swollen and now can’t fit them anymore. I know the drill. It’s hard and frustrating and for a little while you feel like you’re neither here nor there, but then I get my stuff in to the new place and by the time I wake up the next day I can hardly remember I ever lived anywhere else.

I keep wondering if I’ll ever find a place where I can stay, if I’ll ever find that place where I want to stay and feel like I have everything I want right there. Right now I can’t imagine I ever will, my life isn’t turning out to be one of those where you can see twenty years in the future and see where you’re going to be, hell I can barely see one year into the future. I guess I’ll stay when I find a beautiful old house with a big garden that is located right in the center of a big city and is close to nature, my dream job, my family and my friends, but I’m not holding my breath that it’ll happen anytime soon. Especially seeing as both friends and family have a tendency to distribute themselves in several different countries…  

Bring me back to life

Surely you haven’t missed that we’re heading straight forward into spring? Today was one of those days that convince me that people who prefer summer to spring must be a little bit crazy. There’s this fantastic expectation, freshness and rebirth-feeling around spring. Everything feels crisp and new. Today the sky was cloudless, the sun beaming and even heating a little if you found a place protected from the still chilly breeze, and I felt like a new person. It’s like the lungs that have been waiting to breath properly finally get to suck in all this fresh air and you almost levitate in the process! Today I wish I had a garden to sit in, a sheltered spot among high green bushes where I could sit in the new sun cuddled up with blankets and enjoy a glass of lemonade and a good book while listening to some soft and happy tunes. Ah, the hopes and dreams of a city girl with a romantic streak.

Oh, yeah – in case you hadn’t noticed, today is also – Friday! I’m getting my veggies at the market tomorrow and buying all the flowers I can carry, it’s not spring until the house is full of tulips!

From hunger to supermarket road rage

About an hour and a half ago I was stepping on my bike, peddling with this kind of fierce bubbling rage and frustration. I was ready to write a scornful and probably completely embarrassing post about work. Then I got home and being the smart girl that I am (also having known myself for over 27 years) I decided that getting something to eat had to be priority number one. First basic human needs, then blogging, yes, it sounds reasonable.

So what happened to the rage? The frustration? The indignation?

Gone, completely replaced with an overwhelming sleepiness. Whatever happened at work today doesn’t matter, I don’t even care anymore, I just want to sleep.

It’s such a childish reaction to hunger. I know this, trust me, I’ve been made aware of this stupid fact more times than I wish to admit, still I can’t really control it. Well, I can’t control feeling the way I feel (and I still do think I had a good reason to be pissed today) but luckily I’m getting better at controlling my own reaction to it. I mean, I didn’t yell or make faces at work. I didn’t push the slow grandma in the store standing in my way. So maybe I did looked a little less than friendly at the dad that didn’t bother telling his roughly 6 year old kid (that’s old!) not to pull down his pants and sit on the chees display and maybe I did mutter a little under my breath at the woman trying to cut in line – but that’s just rude and I would have done so even if I hadn’t been food deprived for a whooping nine hours!!

Twisting kind of day

I’m seriously considering pulling on one of my cute dresses and stepping in some heals to do todays chores. I mean, that must be the only reason the housewives from the 50’s are smiling on the pictures! Or better yet, I could just pull of my sweats and put on an apron, apparently that’s the “modern” housewife’s way of doing the sweeping…

Oh well, I guess it’ll have to wait, cause right now I’m going out for a walk with Harry Potter! I’ve found I love audiobooks – I know, I’m so after everybody else, but still, how great is that, reading books while walking, doing grocery shopping or whatever else where carrying an open book along might look weird!? It could have spared me a couple of close calls with speeding cars when I was a kid, yup, I was one of those that walked with her head stuck in a book quite literally, and I loved it!

Anyways, I’ll leave you with my housework soundtrack; Oldies! 

By the way, did you know that every time I mop the floor I have to have twist music blasting? Just like when I was a kid and mom danced around with the mop to the Spanish version of what I later found out are some pretty groovy classic American songs from the 50’s and 60’s!  

Drowning on dry land

On this bright and brisk “spring-ish” windy day I bring you a picture of my near-death experience from this morning. No, it wasn’t getting up early that practically killed me (I’m just as surprised about that as you are!), but the freakishly strong wind that almost pushed me in the water! I kept having the sensation of getting my face pulled off, I found this picture of someone that might know what I’m talking about…

Also I kept having insane thoughts of what actually would happen if I did fall in. How I had to keep my mouth shut and not scream as not to swallow to much water so I’d get chilled before I drowned (which gives a higher rate of survival), but how cold was the water by now anyway? It’s been getting warmer each day… How I’d be rolled in to my own ER and one of my colleagues would have to pull my wet clothes off me, and if I had underwear acceptable for closer scrutiny and who might be on duty today… Quite negative associations now that I think about it.

Have you ever read Marcel Proust's “In Search of Lost Time”? Yeah, that’s how my brain works, constant stream of consciousness, I’m still looking for the off switch.    

The last day on earth

Over 50% of teenagers have considered it before graduating high school. The young doctors I know that have worked in an emergency room practically know the procedure for treating a paracetamol overdose by heart. Some even roll their eyes when they yet again get the call from the nurse telling them “we have a young girl here that has taken too many pills – I’ve already started treatment with charcoal, do you want to come down and see her?”

The reason why the doctors roll their eyes and sigh isn’t really lack of compassion even though it might sound harsh written here in black and white. It is frustration mixed with helplessness, probably the worst feeling ever. I get them, at times maybe I’ve even been one of them but luckily I haven’t actually had that many attempted suicides in my time at the emergency room, so it’s harder to be jaded. But it is frustrating and sad to see one young girl after another being so miserable that they don’t see any other way out – and even worse, seeing the same person come in several times in the same situation. What has happened to a person who sees taking pills as a way to escape, that has that in her frame of reference? Because that’s where it all lays right, in that strange and horrifying thought that some people have suicide as one of their “problem solutions”, that the thought even can occur to them.

Even more horrifying probably, is the fact that even though there is still such a huge stigma attached to it, it’s so overwhelmingly common. Not the actual suicide and not even the attempts (even though they are both way more common than they should!), but the thought. So many people consider it but don’t have an outlet for their emotions, so they just walk around with the heaviest thought you could ever imagine all by them selves. It’s tempting to say that it’s someone’s fault. The parents, the teachers, the psychiatrist, the emergency room doctors who don’t refer every single patient to an extensive psych evaluation, the government for not giving enough money to the people who work with this, the commercials who cause so many self-esteem issues among young people, well I could go on.

But I don’t think you could ever find one particular reason for why this “solution” exists in some peoples head, like with some many other things; I think we have a collective responsibility for the people around us. A responsibility to be the kind of person someone can go to in case of an emotional crisis. In my line of work we often turn out to be the only person there, not because the patients have chosen us but because there isn’t anybody else, I find that the saddest part of all of this.

Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme

There are few things I love as much as potatoes. Is that weird? Oven roasted potatoes with rosemary or thyme – mmmm! Right now I’m thinking I might even chose it over chocolate, and that’s saying something!

Today I’ve finally taken my bike to the repairman, hopefully I’ll have functioning wheals by tomorrow afternoon. Afterward I felt like pretending to be JK Rowling and write in a café, but I didn’t find one I liked that actually had an outlet for my computer, so feeling a bit disappointed I came home to make my self a feel-good dinner. Obviously that included oven roasted potatoes and for dessert a Semla. I’m not sure if there is a translation for that, it’s a typical Swedish pastry that is eaten on this day (which I think is the day before lent?).

I’m not sure what to make my evening go with, it’s a bit stressful to know that I don’t really have anything planned for the next couple of days – seeing as I’m off work for about 8 days. Oh, well, I guess I need to learn to not freak for the little things in life, like not having a vacation planned every time I’m off work. Deep breath and a good book might help… I’ll try it this evening anyway. 

Turn me up when you feel low…

There are so many good things with this video that I couldn’t help but posting it! I don’t even remember having heard the song before this Glee episode, which must mean I’m way out of the loop cause this is a great (great!!) song! Besides the great song this clip also includes a beautiful red coat (why don’t I have one!?) that obviously looks pretty with brown hair (like mine…). Lastly it depicts this generations way of serenading, yes it includes a gospel choir and nothing less is going to cut it, just FYI. In the old times there was a dud in tights standing beneath a balcony singing accompanied by his lute, then there were mariachi bands (I shudder with the thought!) and the classic 80’s with the boombox over the shoulder (and I dare you to say anything bad about the boombox in my presence). Now us girls want a little more effort. A remake of a known song specifically chosen for the occasion and fitting for the relationship and a couple of dance moves wouldn’t hurt either.

Come to think of it, there’s an even more elaborate way of serenading someone but I’m thinking you’ll need many really (really!!) good friends to help you out with this one… Did you see Friends with Benefits? If not, this (being the last scene and all) might be considered a major spoiler, just so you know.

Some might be embarrassed by this obvious lack of taste in movies, but I set out to be honest, and honest I will be. I love these kind of movies, corny, funny, totally predictable and still, they leave me with a smile and a warm and mushy feeling inside – you know the “aaaawww” feeling of seeing a cute puppy.

So, serenading – a totally underrated (and obviously simple) thing to do that is having a much deserved come back! Now go on and start planning your own, you know you want to (even if you’ll only sing it in the shower…).  

Driving without a map

I’ve always considered myself a planning person, I’ve always known what I wanted to study and what I wanted to work as, even as a kid. So imagine my surprise when I was described as a person who takes things as they come a couple of years ago. I thought, wow, that sounds great, I wish it was true.

Recently though I’ve been thinking that maybe I was wrong and he was right (and trust me, I don’t like how that rings…). Plans usually include some sort of, well plan, you know? An assessment of how you are getting “there” – a map if you will. I’ve never had a map, or been able to read a map properly in my entire life. I’ve always just had a goal, a direction that was somehow very clearly defined and also very far away. If I’d been asked how I was going to become a doctor the year before I started med.school I wouldn’t have been able to answer the question.

My grades were high, but not high enough and my “SAT”-scores (aka Högskoleprovet) were good but not nearly as good as they needed to be to get in to med.school. I had at that point never even considered to study abroad. Then suddenly a classmate decides she’s going to do it and she tells me how I can apply. I don’t even remember thinking it through beforehand, I just sent the application in. The goal was to become a doctor and now, with very little own doing, I was on my way.

The point of this is, that this last decade (well almost anyway!) was planned out for me as soon as I applied. There was very little independent thought mixed in with it all, I just followed the plan laid out by the university and fooled myself into thinking I had actually planned something myself. Now comes the difficult step – thinking for myself. Now I realize that I have nothing but dreams, goals and wishes and there is no university in the world that can make most of them come true. Now the description of me, “taking things as they come” is very much true, but I don’t know how great I think it is. Mostly it’s just frightening, paralyzing fear in the pit of my stomach, but sometimes a little hint of excitement blends in and I guess that’s the part I’m trying to hold on to.

This picture is from this morning, the view from my sleeping quarters at the hospital – me, a doctor having a nightshift, sleeping in the hospital, giving medicine to people and sticking tubes in their chests – the most normal thing in the world. I’m still dumfounded at how that is even possible sometimes, how did I get here without a map? On the other hand, I guess that should give me some comfort that the rest of it will probably work it self out somehow too, who knows, maybe I’ll be saying the same thing in a year about a completely different unimaginable situation?

Hands

   “If I could tell the world just one thing

   It would be we’re all ok

   And not to worry because worry is wasteful

   And useless in times like these”

 

   Trying to remember and live by Jewels beautiful lyrics.

The hardship of getting out of bed

I woke this morning by my phone practically buzzing of the nightstand and of course I was too disoriented to figure out how you answer an iPhone, not even counting the fact that I hate (and I do use the word hate) and practically never answer when someone calls from a blocked number. Anyway, I suppose it was from work as they called again about an hour later wondering if I could cover a shift tonight. I thought, sure, why not, a shorter shift and more money than my shift tomorrow. Then they call again, an hour and a half later canceling it! Christ!

Oh, well, now I’m back to having the whole day off and I guess that’s not too shabby either. I need to get to all those “back-after-vacation-things” that I haven’t had time to do. Laundry needs to get done, groceries bought, books returned to the library. I don’t mind really, if only I get a couple more minutes with my feet on the radiator and the soft vocals of Greg Laswell on Spotify.

Bad teacher

If I had any kind of decency I’d be panicked by now. In less than ten hours I’m going to teach a class at university. I should have a racing heart, sweaty palms and an outfit picked out. Oh, and maybe even a proper lesson planed. Instead I have no idea where my classroom is or how I’ll get to the university, I don’t know how the facilities are (do I have a whiteboard? or something I can connect my computer to? do I even have pen and paper?), I don’t know how much experience my students have in this particular subject and I most certainly don’t know what I’ll wear tomorrow.

Obviously the location and transportation is highly relevant – but believe it or not, so is the outfit. I can’t walk in there feeling like anything less than a kickass teacher and a big part of that, other than being prepared (and I’m so getting to that after I write this post…!) is presenting a good image. And how do you get the image and feel of a kickass teacher? Well, I don’t really know exactly, but I do know that (like in so many important events in ones life) it involves heals.

After spending no less than a week wandering the cobblestoned streets of Stockholm and then just getting an evening off before trotting off for a day in Aarhus with more cobblestoned streets and a stiletto requiring party with dancing until 3.30 in the morning – my feet and I are not on speaking terms.

Well, I guess I should try to find out how to get to my class tomorrow and try not to worry about how I’ll stand for eight hours straight in heals – and then, if I get a little time over, I guess I should try figuring out what to say to the students that expect to learn something from me… Christ, what a joke – I’ll probably give Cameron Dias a good competition for the Bad Teacher nomination of the year…

I guess it’s what they call home

Wow! Seven days since my last post! I’ve been a busy busy girl – actually, I’ve been a very relaxed, cold, happy, free girl without internet access. After my last shift I hurried home to put the last pair of pants in my bag and hurried of to the airport. I’ve spent a pretty intense week in Stockholm. An evening with high school friends, a day with mom, four trips to the airport, one very interesting meeting with an airport guy, a day with dad, a couple of days wandering around Stockholm finding new cafés and ruining my feet and my favorite shoes and several wonderful evenings with my favorite person in the world! (If you don’t know that’s my sister you don’t know me very well!)

I needed to get away, I needed to laugh so much I couldn’t breath or walk, I needed to talk and talk until everything seems like it’s been dealt with twice but you still have more to say – I needed some days with family. I know it sounds selfish, but the very best part of spending time with my sister is remembering how much I like myself (I know, it sounds weird!). I’m funny and deep and have meaningful conversations and take care of her and let her take care of me, I’m so completely myself, that it really feels like a vacation from all the roles you play in your life on a daily basis. All in all, a great week!

Ketchup

Ever heard of the Ketchup-effect? I’ve never really believed it. I always figured the people who said so were just generally lucky and I’m generally not. I mean, girls who get one date and then suddenly have ten dates with ten different guys (while I’m still looking for one) are just bitches you know – in my humble (non-bitter) opinion, and generally lucky or easy (or both)… But this wasn’t supposed to be me bashing on other girls (hmm… kind of ironic considering my last post actually).

Today I received the fifth job offer. Last week I was sure I would be unemployed and homeless by the first of April – now I’m turning down good jobs! I love it! Confidence boost like you wouldn’t believe it! So far two pediatric wards have offered me positions (one of witch I took, obviously) and all three of the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric departments where I’ve applied have offered me a job. Obviously psychiatry isn’t very popular, but still – I don’t care, I’m just happy they would consider me for the job!

I thought this picture was a better description for how it feels rather than the picture of a bottle of ketchup that was the alternative. Whatever happened to real letters anyway? I totally miss them…

A mix of parisienne and mad men

This must be the greatest poster I’ve seen all year! I found it at this very funny and cool blog Paris vs. New York where you can buy it – and other posters like it. I’m thinking that as soon as I have 200 Euros laying around, that baby will be mine!

Anyways, I’m having another day off work. Yes, the life of a surgical resident is very hard indeed. So far my day has been spent sleeping in, eating a seriously huge breakfast (I mean, egg and smoothie and cheese and rye bread – that’s huge compared to the usual cup of coffee while putting on mascara!) and talking on the phone. The rest of the day I need to prepare my communication class that I’m teaching in about 10 days, I have no idea what to say – and I’m guessing that’s a bad thing considering the topic of the class… Also I need to pack so I’m ready to just grab my stuff and head for the airport on Saturday (after a 25 hour shift mind you!).

I’m thinking a cup of coffee in a quiet café with Strauss in my headphones should be the perfect way to plan a class, or at least read the compendium for the class. If it wasn’t so cold I could totally wear my LBD and heals whilst working on my laptop – that must be the perfect combination of Parisienne and Mad Men don’t you think? Or maybe I need to ad a glass of scotch and some pearls to be a real mix…

Who run the world?

We had a lovely evening yesterday with bubbles, chicken and chocolate ganache, although not in that specific order. There was talking and laughing and best of all (well for me at least) a lot of advise giving, so that I’m a bit closer to deciding how to figure out my living situation.
I’m always so surprised when I hear about girl fights – and I’m not talking about neither cat- nor pillow! Obviously I’ve had disagreements with my girlfriends, periods when we see less of each other and even times when you think the friendship might be slipping away or is in fact lost. But during non of those times I have ever experienced the backstabbing, selfish, competitive bitch behavior I sometimes hear being called “typical girl behavior” (ok, so for the sake of complete honesty I might have one experience with a backstabbing and selfish girl – but I’m considering her the exception that makes the rule!). It is such a misconception that girls can’t play three at a time, that there is always a competition going on or that there is always an element of jealousy and talking behind one another’s backs.
I know that when we toast and wish each other congratulations with our big as well as small accomplishes we mean it, and I can’t understand how anyone can get through the crap in this life without having that.
So, to answer the question – Girls!

Soda pop feelings and dreams

It’s been a couple of days of silence around here. One might think that I only write when I’m sad, bored or unhappy about something, and one might have a point in that. The thing is, happiness is such a difficult feeling to put down on paper without sounding silly or fake, and I didn’t want to sound either ‘cause I’m really, really happy!

If you remember in November I wrote this about looking for a job. The first month I got several “no thank you” mails back, witch was expected and I handled it pretty good. In December I started becoming just a little bit worried, there weren't that many jobs to apply to, seeing as I’ve only been applying to pediatric wards and I still hadn’t even been on an interview. January came with the slightest trickling of panic. People started to get their plans settle and I still had no clue what would happen after the 31th of March.

Then came the call. “Hi, thank you for applying for the position of junior doctor, would you be able to come down for a talk tomorrow afternoon?” I was baffled, and immediately I started to repeat the same mantra that’s been turning in my head since I started looking for a job – “don’t get your hopes up, you’re never going to get it”. Then I remembered this and I decided that I was going to get the job. I was going to go in there and show her that she’d be a fool not to hire me because I am the perfect person for the position.

When I came out and she’d told me I’d gotten it – when I had basically just been handed my dream, I restrained myself until I had gotten one flight of stairs down – and then I clapped my hands and jumped up and down and laughed out loud. Happiness feels like having your blood switched out with soda pop, it bubbles, it makes my hands tremble and my whole body want to burst out with laughter or tears of pure joy. See – I told you, it sound silly! Oh, well, at least it feels amazing!

Tomorrow I’ll celebrate with my girls and I’m sure there will be smiles and laughter and definitely real bubbles in tall glasses!

Isn’t this the happiest elephant you’ve ever seen!? I don’t think I can explain happiness as good as she’s showing it!

Risky like Tom

I’ve been hanging out at home today, reading a book, listening to music, ignoring the laundry that has to be done and suddenly I walked past the mirror (I may or may not have been doing a little dance…). Something looked… familiar, but in a weird way… I had to go on YouTube and make a couple of Google searches before it hit me – it was Tom Cruise looking back at me in the mirror! Needles to say I won’t share that image of me with you (partly because my camera cable has gone missing), but trust me, I look ridiculous! I need to get myself some proper sweats, or maybe just a pair of pants would do…

I like that old time rock and roll…

This woman’s work

32 hours ago I got up to go to work – since I’ve slept 2,5 blissful hours between five and seven thirty in the morning.

I don’t want to fall asleep during the day ‘cause then I won’t sleep tonight, and tomorrow I’ve got to get up and do it all over again. But I have a headache, a queasy feeling in my stomach and a mind full of pictures of my white work shoes completely covered in blood, so to keep myself distracted I’ve walked around window-shopping for hours. Now my legs can’t handle it anymore so I’m curled up in my reading chair with a book and very soon some new episodes of Greys, OTH and The Vampire Diaries – yes, that’s the level of thought I can handle today. Sooner or later (and I’m guessing sooner rather than later by the rumbling from my stomach) I’ll have to get up and try to get some food down, that’s if I find anything in my pretty empty fridge.

Most days I love coming home to my very own quiet apartment where I can be alone and not mind anybody – today’s just not one of those days.

The photo of my sis has nothing to do with the post – I just like the feel of the picture. And, it’s also a link to the song of the day – Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work”. Haunting, beautiful and what I’m listening to today.

Hearing voices

Every time I try to do something new, challenge myself in some way I have this horrible little voice nagging in my head telling me it’ll never work, it’s not worth it and I’ll never manage it. I don’t know why it’s there, I guess I give it to much room so it expands and becomes louder and louder, and suddenly it’s the only thing I hear. Because I let it become big and loud, I end up listening to it most of the times – and then, funnily enough things tend to not work out, not be worth it and I don’t manage it. This means that next time I’m a new situation, the voice has perfectly good ammunition to use – it didn’t work out the last time, why would it work out now? It’s a horrible, never ending circle that I keep running around in. I hate it and I don’t want to keep doing it.

As I think about writing “from now on, I won’t listen to it, I’ll do new things and just tell it to shut the f*ck up” it’s already working it’s way into my mind telling me – you know you can’t do it, you’ll never be able to shut me up… So, as part of the training I’ll write it anyway:

From now on I won’t listen to it! I’ll do new things and just tell it to shut the f*ck up!

So if you in the near future see me standing somewhere yelling obscenities to myself, don’t worry, I’ll be doing good!

The Birds

If you know me, you know I hate birds. Just the thought of them (specially poultry!) gives me the creeps. Except when they’re in print, on a pretty dress. Birds are definitely the new black, and I’m thinking therapy just got a whole lot trendier! I figure I can buy the clothes and wear them all the time, that way I’m constantly being exposed to the root of my anxiety and slowly begin to get over this embarrassing little phobia, while at the same time being dressed in the latest fashion. This must be the essence of a “win-win situation”! Or maybe it’s the essence of “killing to birds with one stone”… Hmm, I’m getting a bit confused on the metaphors here so maybe I should just move on.

In the collage above you can see lovely creations from the SS 2012 fashion shows, also mentioned here, here and here.

From the left we have; Burberry Prorsum, Chloé (top picture), Christian Dior (bottom picture), Carolina Herrera (top picture), Chanel (bottom picture) and again Carolina Herrera.

Merciful killing

I’m thinking about becoming an ax-murderer. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out before scrambling for you phone! The object which I’m thinking of carving to pieces is practically dead already, or at least taking its last shaking breaths – it’s been with me for much longer than expected and I’ve been very happy to have it here, but now it’s time to let go.

I actually had it all planned out, I was going to take it out last night, leave it by the road and never look back – it would have been easies, more humane maybe. But as it turns out, I’m horribly forgetful! I came home after dinner at a friends house and got to bed with a good book – and forgot all about my sinister plan to get rid of it. Now I have to find an alternative way, and chopping it to pieces is kind of all I have left.

I won’t show you the pieces so that you won’t be traumatized, I’ll just leave you with the picture of how this once so merry and cheerful tree now looks sad, old and ready to move on to greener pastures. Far thee well dear Christmas tree!

Barnyard animals, babies and dots

Yesterday was a great day, the most beautiful little girl was baptized and I was lucky enough to get a couple of minutes of laughter and baby cuddling before the drive home. We talked, we laughed and we ate – all in all a very good Sunday!

A custom made cake that tasted great and looked amazing! I didn’t get the name of the woman who made it, but next time I need a cake with barnyard animals on top I’m definitely getting her number!

The theme color was lilac, so of course her gift was decorated with lilac ribbon. Inside were three great books that I’ve loved for years and that I hope she’ll love to – when she’s a little bigger that is. The classic “Le Petit Prince” for cultivating imagination, the girl power inducing “Ronja Rövardotter” and the sad “Bröderna Lejonhjärta” where you learn courage and to stand up for what is right. Also, the last book has this quote I love, roughly translated it’s something like; Sometimes you have to do things even though they’re dangerous, because other ways you’re not a person but merely a little shit. Well, it sounds better in Swedish…

I ended up wearing a polka dot dress and it turned out to be a total hit with the girl of the hour – apparently polka dots are the most amazing thing ever when you’re 3,5 months old, personally I totally get it, I love dots too – and she’s obviously fashion conscious from a very early age, just my kind of girl!  

On the runway

So I’ve mentioned the spring/summer 2012 lines before and here they come again. I just can’t help myself – it’s just to pretty not to care. I love the length of the dresses, around the knee is a very ladylike length. What one can see from the pictures below is that even though white is a huge color for spring (when isn’t white big!?) there are also designers going for the more soft peach, dusty pink color and there is even a bit of black mixed in, cause have you ever heard of a season where black was out? I think the most unexpected color is green – I see big things happening for green this season.

From the top left we have; Carolina Herrera, Alberta Ferretti, Christian Dior x2 and Burberry Prorsum. In the bottom line from the left we have; Chanel, Burberry Prorsum, Christian Dior and Carolina Herrera.

Personally I love the dusty pink Chanel – ahh to have an unlimited dress fund.

Ok, so now I have to continue with my own fashion show here in my humble runway also known as the stretch between my wardrobe and the big mirror in the hallway. I need to decide what to wear tomorrow for a very special girls baptism – nice but appropriate for church and a lunchtime event, which means (in my opinion) no black… no matter how much I wish I could just throw on my new LBD. Actually I wish I could throw on the Chanel little dusty pink dress – but sometimes you kind of have to stick to reality…      

Acting like a kid

Do you remember the days when you did things in secret? The butterflies in your stomach just thinking someone could catch you? Giggling alone and running around with a suspicious smile on your face that practically broadcasted that you had a secret?

These days I don’t often have secrets, it’s called a personal life now, private matters, things I prefer keeping to myself or whatever. It’s kind of boring actually, but I think people would laugh at me if I didn’t want to tell because it was a secret. Today I don’t feel like being a boring adult. Today I’m a kid and I have a suspicious smile on because nobody knows what I’m doing – It’s so totally a secret!

Ok, so apart from acting like a child I’ve been listening to a really great song today. I heard it on a TV-show and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. It’s got a little bit to do with remembering (does the names Danny and Sandy say anything to you?) and a lot to do with the fact that this cover has a sound that makes me think of late night clandestine meetings and butterfly secrets. Enjoy!

Two steps from hibernation

Today was the first day back after 9 days off, one would think I would be thrilled after having been so bored last week – but oh no! I’m tired and achy. Maybe it’s the weather? I mean, I know my knees hurt from standing without really moving for about four and a half hours during surgery, but the mood – the hiding under a blanket, closing my eyes so I don’t see the mess in the kitchen cause I can’t muster up the energy to deal with it mood, or the don’t you dare drive to close to me on the street or cut me in line ‘cause I’m not responsible for what I’ll do mood. That can’t be just because of my job (Oh and I do love it – just some other parts of it that’s all).

The weather usually gets the blame in these parts of the world, either it’s to cold or to windy or – like today – to wet. It’s this nasty little drizzle that leaks in around your collar and gets the seat of your bike cold and moist. Besides, my boots have a hole in them so I get wet feet – and I hate wet feet (almost as much as I hate socks in bed – but that’s a whole other story…)!

The thought of going in for a 25 hour shift tomorrow is just so depressing I can’t even think about it right now or I’ll seriously go into hibernation and come out again around my birthday, and I just don’t think the hospital is going to accept that and keep sending me paychecks…

Who ever invented misty rainy Mondays must have been out of his mind (in spite of the pretty pictures)! 

Fairytales

Once up on a time there was a little mermaid who lived under the sea and whose biggest dream was to experience life on land. Know the story? Thought so…

  

I absolutely loved Ariel as a kid (of course I still do – but let’s pretend like I’ve actually grown up just a little bit!), maybe it was just something about us having a bit similar names? Or maybe I actually identified with her story – no, I didn’t really live at the bottom of the sea – but I had (well, have actually) a mom who was very overprotective and ever since I was a little girl I’ve had the feeling that “there must be something more than this” just like she had. Oh, it all sounds so silly when I write it down – but non the less, this particular fairytale has had a bit of an impact on my life. Just being named Eric could probably score you a date with me… And one of the comments that I’ve obsessed most about in my life is a guy telling me I remind him of Ariel. Why? I have no idea. He had no idea of my little (big, unhealthy, weird – you choose the adjective…) hang up with The Little Mermaid, he just said it out of the blue. I don’t even know if he actually meant it as a compliment, he might just have been trying to say I look like a fish or act like a naïve little girl – but seeing as I’ve loved her since I was a little girl I couldn’t take it as anything other than a compliment.

 

Weird, how stuff gets programmed in our heads from a very young age and then suddenly comes out and surprises us when we least expect it.

Of course the music is the best of any Disney movie – this beautiful melody is completely underrated – Alan Menken really is a genius.    

Old Hollywood

Ah to live in the world of black and white – everyone is more beautiful, more elegant and more glamorous when depictured without colors. Strange but true.

Hmm… maybe I should print the collage on photo-paper and put it up as art in my bedroom wall – not because the collage is all that good, or because I particularly like having photos of beautiful women in my bedroom, but I do love looking at inspiring things, and this totally get’s me in a nostalgic old Hollywood mood. It makes me want to put on one of my little black dresses, my pearl earrings and big black sunglasses – maybe even try brushing my hair! (trust me, that’s a big deal seeing as it doesn’t happen very often…). Oh, well – maybe one of these days I’ll actually have somewhere to go when dressing up like that…

Losing brain cells by the minute

Supposedly only stupid people get bored – at least that’s what I’ve heard. Honestly I tend to think that only stupid people say stuff like that. I don’t think I’m bored because I’m stupid, but right now one might argue that I am actually getting more stupid as the boredom endures. Either way, today has been a complete waste of a day. I’m bored out of my mind. The rain has been pouring down and the wind blowing a storm, so even though I had big plans about getting out for some air, and some well needed grocery-shopping I just couldn’t muster up the energy to. The high point has been a new episode of How I Met Your Mother – seriously, there is something wrong with my life when that’s a high point!

I knew I should have just ignored my common sense and bought a trip to the south. I’ve never had common sense when it comes to economy, that’s why I’ve had the mature and sensible goal of becoming more responsible with my money for a couple of years now. It’s been a slow process and I’m still far from a responsible adult in that particular part of my life, but as I can see now, I’ve actually made some progress. It’s just a shame that it strikes at this extraordinarily boring time when a bit of spontaneity and sun would be an absolute lifesaver!

So, what can you do instead of taking a sunny holiday? Read good books? Take down Christmas decoration? Visit a friend? Take long walks in the rain? Organize your closet? Go shopping for spring clothes? Go for a spa-treatment?

I’ve considered them all, and some of them might just fill the rest of the week – but for now, I have no idea what to fill the hours left of this day with.

The Italians have a saying, “Dolce far niente”, which means something like the pleasantness of doing nothing – I totally get it, in Italy I’d love to do nothing, sit in a café just looking at the people over a cup of strong coffee or stroll down an old alley licking on a gelato. But here, in this joke of a city with this nightmare of a weather it’s just damn well near impossible!

 

Pictures with crappy weather from tv2.dk and the lovely Italy pictures from Pinterest.com (click on the pictures to get to the source)

First day of business

The first of January is almost always the most calm and relaxed day of the year (except last year when I was up studying at the crack of dawn!). I know myself good enough to know, that even though I wasn’t hung over, I was going to be out ‘till 3 in the morning so most likely I would spend the morning in bed. Knowing that, I decided to prepare beforehand and brought flowers in to stand next to my bed – a lovely way to wake up the first day of 2012.

  Oh, and hiding outside the picture is of course a bottle of Pepsi Max…

The second of January is a huge contrast to the first. This is the day when you get started, all the hopes and ambitions you have for the year need to get going this day to have any chance to keep. Seeing as I don’t have any real new years resolutions and I don’t have work this week, I spent the morning watching the last couple of episodes of “Life Unexpected” – an ok show with a rushed and weird finale.

Now I’ve finally gotten my butt out of bed, taken an hour long walk to find the perfect swings (I loooove swing sets - FYI…) and called the trash people. No, that’s not an insulting term for the insurance people (whom I also need to call today) but actually the guys that come and pick up the trash. Apparently I can’t get rid of my Christmas tree until the 17th of January! What am I supposed to do with a dead tree in my apartment for three weeks!? I hate not having a car – or a license for that matter!

The rest of the day is going to go with calling the insurance people – I need a new one and it’s probably going to cost me a bunch of money I don’t have, so I’m not really looking forward to calling them. Then I need to call the tax people, I doubt that’s going to be any more pleasant than talking insurance or paying bills which is what I have to look forwards to after making all my calls. Oh, how I love the first day of business…    

Happy New Year!!

Remembering old times and old friends with a smile and a lot of love