Feb 18, 2014

A newfound respect for life

Do you remember Ross's newfound respect for life after riding along in a police car? I've always thought it's a funny episode and he's hilarious with his newfound clarity and "carpe diem" mentality. It really makes fun of people that suddenly have found the "real" meaning of life, people you normally roll your eyes at as soon as they turn their backs.

It's been two months since I came back to "the real world". It's been an adjustment period, and I guess it still is, some things might never go back to the way they were, but most likely a lot will. In this period I've gone through a lot of different feelings, though they haven't all been good, the one that keeps popping back up is the feeling of just being happy and content. I don't remember the last time in my life when I felt that, content. Ok, so I must add that one of the first things that happened this year was that I got into my specialty - I'm going to be a pediatrician, a lifelong dream has just fallen into my lap, so that must be taken into consideration when I say I'm feeling content. 

Almost every day I come home, prepare dinner, do yoga and curl up on my couch with a book or an episode of a good show and this rush of happiness flows over me. I sit there with a big smile and contemplate how lucky I am, how wonderful my life is and how I can't understand how people let them selves get down over the small stuff. It's gotten to the extent of almost feeling a little bit like Ross, like I'm on some sort of high and that it's ridiculous to everyone around me. The thing is, I don't care. So what if people think I'm nuts? I've been to hell and back and I know that there are bigger tragedies than people thinking you're crazy. 

That being said I'm obviously not immune to being nervous, sad or scared - just now for example I'm debating with myself how to handle my first MSF presentation on Sunday. There's a story I want to tell, the story of Lahai, I feel really strongly about telling it, but so far I haven't been able to tell it, or even write it down without crying, and I don't want my voice to crack in front of a bunch of strangers. So yeah, I'm nervous, but the thing is, no matter how bad it goes, it's still not even going to come close to being as horrible as some of the other things I've been through. 

I guess it's like surviving being shot at (or in Ross's case, a car backfiring), you do find a new outlook on life and it does look and sound silly from the outside, but it's the most marvelous, liberating feeling in the world, from the inside.

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