I wish I had a river I could sail away on…

We’re not even in December and Christmas is already ruined. I feel like taking all the stupid stuff down and throwing them out. If they hadn’t already bought their tickets I would have called the whole thing off. Instead now I have to prepare a Christmas that I know won’t be any better than the ones we’re used to having. It’s like there’s a curse on this family. I was stupid enough to think I could do it better, that I could change it – but I can’t, the same people with the same problems make the same type of Christmas, no matter where you are.

I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep trying and expecting it do be different and then feel myself becoming more and more dark and bitter as the years pass. It’s such a childish wish, I really thought I had left it behind years ago, but then this opportunity comes along, of doing things differently and the wish just pops up again – the stupid childish wish of having a calm, happy, normal Christmas. I feel like I’m five years old building a beautiful snowman that some horrible person just stepped all over, and worst part is that I’m the horrible person doing the stepping.

Close to perfect

I have this tendency of getting really upset and mad from time to time because I feel like I never get what I want. It’s funny really, considering I’ve actually always gotten what I want. The thing is, I always feel like I get the “almost but not quite there”- solution, the fake Fendi. It looks just the same as the real one (it’s a really good fake) – so why does it matter? It shouldn’t, I know it shouldn’t, but it feels different and so it does.

I do realize I sound like a spoiled brat, if that’s any help. Mostly I’m happy to have gotten what I want, it’s just that sometimes I can’t help but think about what it would have been like to have gotten it exactly as I wanted it. I know it sounds terrible, and I am happy that I now am a doctor – but I do think about how it would have been to have studied in Uppsala, close to my family, in my own language, establishing roots close to my hometown and not in a completely different country – the way I had planned it in my head for years. I wonder how it would have been like to have understood the first couple of lectures, how it would have been like not having constantly to explain my presence in another country than my own and last but not least – how it would have been like not having to choose between staying or going.

When I moved down here I never thought I would get as attached as I did, I never realized it would become home and that from that moment I would become torn between here and there. I’ve kept postponing the decision, thinking that it’s not really necessary to make a decision before the absolute last minute, but not making it has also left the question unanswered and the problem unresolved, and ultimately me still torn. I’m happy with what I got; it just would have been easier to have gotten it “the right way”. So have I decided yet – staying or going? Of course not, I thought I would know by the time I graduated, but I didn’t and I still don’t, so for now I’m waiting for that last minute, and from time to time bitching over the fact that in another life, I’d gotten it just as I wanted it and this would never have been a problem.

How can you not get attached when campus looks like this!?

Decking the halls

Today I’m “decorating” my apartment with everything red I can find, which isn’t very much, but I’m not really the “Christmas-lights in the windows, reindeers in every corner, trip over the Santa in the hall when you get in” – kind of person anyhow, so it’s ok. I just wish I could get it a little cozier – I should get a rug and a chimney with a bunch of tree logs, turn this place into an old wooden cabin and pretend I live in the woods. Oh well, for now I’ll just wait until the snow decides to come and also until I find out where I can get a hold of a Christmas tree, that should turn this place into and real life Christmas Wonderland!

In a couple of days now it will be the first of December and that means the real Christmas countdown begins. For years now I’ve been very anti-Christmas, actually it’s probably been because of my bad mood this time of year. But this year we are doing something different for the holidays. Instead of me packing my bags and hopping on a northbound plane, my family is heading south and coming down to see me. It’s the first time we’ll be celebrating Christmas together somewhere else than at home, and it’s the first time I’ll be hosting it. Now, you might think this is something you do when you have kids and a big house, but I have no idea if I’ll ever have that and I don’t see the point in waiting for it either. So we are doing the most taboo thing you can in December, we are breaking traditions.

I can’t guarantee it’ll be a huge success, but I do know it’ll be different than what we’re used to, and being a family that’s never really gotten the hang of the whole Christmas thing I think I’ll be really good for us. This way we can try a couple of different types of Christmases over the years and when we find something we like I guess we’ll just stick to it.

Maybe next year we could try going to the Bahamas or Zanzibar or something, although if I’m being totally honest, putting us four together on a difficult to get off island for a week sounds more like a social experiment gone wrong than a jolly family gathering – but who knows, maybe they’d surprise me.

A brilliant cure

In all my years studying diseases I always knew that someday I would find the perfect one for me, and now I have! It’s got the perfect symptoms and prognosis (I think) and best of all, the perfect medicine.

For several years now I’ve had periods where I’ve been a less happy version of myself, strangely enough it’s almost always been in the deep dark cold fall and winter months we have up here in the north. I get tired – like sleeping a whole day tired, and I’m a good sleeper no matter what season we have! I get cranky and easily annoyed, some might even call it a bit bitchy – and no, that’s not just my personality! And lastly I get this weird way of thinking that sweets, cakes, ice cream and chocolate (yes, it’s a category on its own) are an undisputable part of every meal. That’s not saying that I don’t sleep or am a bitch (when needed) or love chocolate in the spring or summer, it’s just on a whole other level in the dark months. So, is this really a disease? Well, actually it is and it’s called winter depression – or seasonal affective disorder. It might not be a huge problem for me (I’m almost certain I don’t fill up all the criteria), but for some people it really is something that affects their daily life in quite the negative way.

The “cure”, if you want to call it that, is (apart from antidepressants for people that have it really bad) light. Yes, this is a disease where something as simple as standing underneath a sunbeam just absorbing the light will help. Personally I’m thinking of writing a recipe for myself ordering a week at the beach in some sunny country – although, that might not be the best idea after all the cakes and sweets these past couple of months…

Picture from Pinterest.

Won't you lay me down in tall grass and let me do my stuff…

I often think that I was born in the wrong decade – I should have been part of the late 60’s and start 70’s. I would have made an excellent hippie if I may say so myself. I’d have been a Beatles crazy, Bandstand dancing and Vietnam-protesting, raging feminist that today would tell fabulous stories and be infuriated by the passive youth. Instead I’m part of the same passive youth (yes, still youth – come on I’m not even 28 yet!) who just sits back and complains, waiting for someone else to do something about it. My imaginary past hippie self would be so disappointed!

Alas I am undeniably a child of my own generation, but at least I can listen to the music, envy the clothes and if I get a hold of some incense maybe I can close my eyes and imagine I’m right there in the middle of history being made.

Fabulous music to set the mood – better than most songs out right now.

Pictures from Pinterest – yes, I’m addicted!

What a difference 365 days make

About a year ago I was practically drowning in books and pages. I had some ten days to learn everything in medicine that I didn’t yet know – which unfortunately was a lot! I was under so much pressure you can’t even imagine, and the reason you can’t imagine is I can’t even imagine now. I still can’t really understand I got through it. Somehow you learn to do what you’re supposed to and not think too much about it, you get up, go to the library, read, right – hopefully learn, and then go home and eat and go to bed. Next day you get up and do it all over again. It’s weird to now live a life where reading heavy books isn’t a part of my daily activity. I suppose I’ll start reading heavy books again sooner or later, I kind of already miss them a bit – but I needed this change, I needed to get my nose out of the books and see the world, see the reason why I got my nose in the books in the first place. It’s a great reason – I want to help people, and I need to get better at it. I learn a lot from doing and seeing, but knowing myself I’ll never really get it in my long-term memory if I don’t also read it, write it down and then read it again. I need lists and columns to take the facts in, it’s just the kind of square I am.

So now, inspired by all the med. students on Facebook, who are updating their statuses with how many pages they have read and how many days they have left to learn the rest of the enormous amount of diseases – I’ll take my medicine book with me to bed and read, because deep down, this is my passion and the best thing I got (back) from passing all those exams a year ago is the joy of reading for pure curiosity and interest!

Pictures from last fall with different reading places. The library, a cubicle, the bed and an empty study hall borrowing a friends cubicle. Good times…

All I want for Christmas is…

A strong cup of coffee, a fresh croissant and a fantastic book – I could have it all right here in my living room, but what would the fun in that be? I can’t help but think that nothing less than a Parisian café near the Seine is going to be able to help this longing. It’s quite the problem actually, I don’t have the money or the time to just skip down to Paris for a weekend – or what really is becoming at least a week in my head. Even if by some miracle my pay check this month would be doubled I have more pressing matters to use my money on – or at least I’ll have in the near future what with a move coming up in the spring and me not knowing how far I’ll have to move. But if Santa hasn’t any better ideas this would be the perfect Christmas present!

Pictures from Pintrest.

A girl that lives in the past

I have this strange thing with sad songs. I love them. I get addicted to them and have to listen to them over and over again. For a period it was River by Joni Mitchell, it always made me cry and I always found it just around Christmas (of course). This year I’ve decided not be so negative about Christmas, so I think I’ll just skip it when I do my “Christmas playlist”. But I still need a sad song, you know – just in case I feel like a good cry, so I’m thinking of making “Friend in a bar” by Tina Dickow my go-to-song for crying. I really do think it’s the saddest song I have ever heard. It hits way to close to home for me to even stand a chance of not bawling when I listen to it. Is there really anything more tragic than wasting your life by your own choosing? Waiting for your “real” life to start, being hung up on the past and not realising until it’s too late. I always panic when I catch myself thinking about my life as a waiting room, it’s probably one of my biggest fears, to miss out and later realise that all this time that I thought of as a waste and just a hassle to get to the good stuff actually was the part I was supposed to be enjoying.

I don’t always love my life – as a matter of fact, I very seldom do. I don’t really think of it as a problem, I imagine most people don’t go around loving their life on a daily basis, but I do think it’s a good life – it’s like a photo before being improved in Photoshop, there’s a lot of potential! So for a while now I’ve been thinking of doing a list – not really a Bucket list, just a list of stuff that could perk up the already pretty ok life I have. Funnily enough just doing that, or thinking of doing that, gives a very mundane Friday a bit of a silver lining, like it’s the start of something – maybe even, a Photoshoped life.

Boom Boom Boom Boom

Heart racing, shallow accelerated breathing, dark slightly unfocused eyes and twitching fingers dancing across the keyboard in a nervous dance – and then suddenly the fingers stop, the breathing stops and the eyes close, all you can hear is the beating heart – the mail is off, lost in cyberspace and out of my control. I’ve sent my first real job application.

The thing is I don’t really expect to get the job, it’s so out of my league I’m almost a bit embarrassed to even apply, but still I have to try, and I can’t help but hope. So now the application is off and hopefully the butterflies in my stomach will settle down long enough for me to get a cup off coffee with my girls. I need all the distraction I can get today!

She works hard for the money...

Can you belive my computer still isn't home with me!? It's insane! It's unacceptable and frustrating and... oh, well - it is what it is. I'm doing quite alright without it actually. Reading book after book and taking long walks in this beautiful weather. Oh, and also - working. Next week I'm working 75h instead of the normal 37 (fantastic!). I'm starting to think I just might become a decent cardiothoracic intern, without even intending to, what with all this forced on practice...

Anyways, I should hit the sack before my phone goes off and I need to scrub in again. So, I'll leave you again (hopefully not for long!) with some of the pictures I've taken on my walks.

Working girl

So my computer is sick again and I've used all my internet for the month on my iPhone - I'm practically in withdrawal! How is it possible that people once lived without immediate access to all kind of life essential information!?

Right now I'm at work, my first real shift as a cardiothoracic surgical resident and what do I do? I blog of course! Well really, what else am I supposed to do? I'm stuck at the hospital for 25 hours and (right now) there's nothing to do. I've admitted patients done rounds and taken care of pleural drains.

Oh, and now I'm being called over - better run!

Wide open spaces

Sometimes I think I might have misunderstood the direction my life should have. I think of the apartments I’ve lived in (that have indeed been minuscule!) and that I’ll keep living in for many years to come and I think, there must be something else. There must be some other way of living.

And then I find pictures like those below and I know I’m right. There is something else, there are places where everything seems so serene and calm that you probably can’t help to become serene and calm yourself. There is nothing pretentious or snobbish about the house in the pictures, not like those old last century apartments I sometimes drool over.

If I had two lives that I could live simultaneously I would definitely buy a place like this and learn to horseback ride (not just start, stop and turning – but really learn!), talk about life quality! How can anybody not be happy living like this!?

The pictures are from Skeppsholmens Fastighetsmäkleri and they have so many beautiful places you can buy right now that I’m happy I’m not a multimillionaire cause I’d probably spend all my money buying houses…

The song for this post is (of course!) – Wide open spaces with The (amazing!) Dixie Chicks

I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror

“Brave enough to think differently, bold enough to believe he could change the world, and talented enough to do it” President Barack Obama on the passing of Steve Jobs.

I’m not writing on a Mac even though I’d want to. I’ve never been one of the big Apple followers and so I’m not a huge Steve Jobs fan, but I do get that he was an extremely talented man and that when he talked about his products people got the feeling that it truly was an object they really couldn’t live without. I love my iPhone and I really can’t imagine being without it now that I have it, so in a way he changed my everyday-life. He actually changed the world.

I know he didn’t do it on his own, that it’s a whole team of insanely smart people working on the incredible stuff they come up with all the time and that it has taken years to get to the place where they are, but still – he, and they, changed the world. How amazing is that?

Not so long ago I was talking to my sister about the fact that most doctors or med.students I know say that they have chosen to be doctors because they liked science in school and definitely NOT because they wanted to “save the world” (said with sarcasm dripping from every word). It seems arrogant to think that you can save the world – who ever said it needed saving anyway? And why do you think you could be the one to do it? It’s just a job like any other and there is nothing special or big about it, we are definitely not playing God, who would ever want to? Yeah, something like that is the response most give when asked about that part of being a doctor – the saving part.

So am I just a little bit scared of saying, “sure I want to save the world”? Of course I am! (Strangely enough I don’t want people thinking I’m arrogant or playing all mighty God!) But honestly why wouldn’t you want to save the world if you could? Why wouldn’t you want to make a difference if you found a way how? How amazing wouldn’t it be to one day be described as Steve Jobs – creative, bold, talented – and world changer!

I might not be creative, bold or talented enough to change the world, but the least I can do is try to make just a little tiny bit of difference, and hopefully that will be enough.

 

Like an hourglass glued to the table

There is little that scares me as much as time does, imagining it passing, constant and unstoppable. It’s strange; because you’d think that it would make me appreciate it even more, spend every hour of every day as it were my last. It doesn’t. It paralyzes me completely. I just keep fixating on the fact that I can’t do anything about it, that I can’t go back, and that every second passed is a second I can’t get back. Not that I can think of what to do with all of those seconds if I could get them back. Probably just sit there and stare – which is exactly what I did in the first place. I’m not sure that it’s about missing something or wasting it though, I think it might be that the whole concept is too big for my head, I can’t explain why it scares me, but it really does.

So why am I speculating over this in the middle of the night? Well, mostly it’s because it’s at night that it becomes so much more obvious to me. I keep telling myself that I need to go to bed, but at the same time I keep thinking about all the time I’m missing while sleeping, and all the things I should be doing that I haven’t done during the day. But instead of doing them, I just keep thinking about the seconds passing, completely paralyzed.

It’s a little bit like when you were a kid and you thought that if you closed your eyes nobody could see you – I keep thinking that if I stand completely still maybe time will stand still with me.

It just never does.

 

Can’t buy me love

Unfortunately I can’t buy love – but I can buy joy and happiness in the form of books, pretty colors for my nails, washi tape and fruit! I can’t wait for the books to be delivered! I’ve been wanting to read Ape House ever since I read Water for Elephants – an outstanding book, probably one of the best, if not the best I’ve read this year, so now finally (!!) it’s on it’s way!

Other than that my Sunday has been very calm, relaxing and sleeping and watching old episodes of Greys. Only now I have to prepare at least just a little bit for my first day at a Thoracic surgery ward tomorrow. I’m reading the introduction CD right now (68 pages!!) and doing a list over the topics I need to refresh in my schoolbooks. So far I have:

Arrhythmias

Anatomy of the heart

Anatomy of the mediastinum

Valve replacement

And there sure is a lot more to come on that list, but I guess it’s a good thing – I need to get reading more, channeling my inner Christina Yang (hmm, maybe I can even put off “watching Greys” as studying or at least inspirational work… I already feel much better about this lazy Sunday!).

All we can do is keep breathing

A heavy heart for no good reason, yeah, that’s me.

In my very first post on this blog I explained the name of the blog, which is a song by Leftover Cuties that inspired me somehow. What I didn’t mention is that I first heard this song on “The Big C” and that the inspiration probably was a combination from both the song and the show. It’s a bit of a strange show, especially for an American TV-show. They are usually so happy and idealistic and portray a life that very few people lead though many want to.

We all want friends like Rachel and Chandler, clothes like Serena, super interesting cases at work that we solve with our perfect brains like House or a marriage/family life that has some drama but always gets resolved before the episode is over or at least before the season finale, like practically every show out there. The Big C isn’t one of those shows. It has a story where the only probable outcome is death.

So why bother watching? I have no idea. Honestly I have no idea why, but I watch the show thinking of my patients, not any one specific, just the group as a whole. My interaction with them, which for me is an ordinary day at work – interesting and all, but still sometimes a mundane workday – is for them a huge unwelcomed blob of ink in their calendars. I seldom think about their lives outside of hospital when I’m working. I don’t think about the calls they’ve made to friends and family to arrange someone to look after their dog or kids of flowers while they’re in for treatment. I’m not sure I could do my job if I started picturing their dog all alone at home with no one to give it food or water because I decided that their owner should stay the night for observation, just to be sure. Then again, I know I’m not doing my job if I don’t see them as persons who are part of a whole world where my recommendations, medicines and appointments need to fit in. I’m the outsider; I need to fit in to their world, not the other way around.

So I watch The Big C and I cry, and I get this stone right around the area where my heart normally lives and I think of everything I could – and should – do better. I think of how lucky I am that even when the worst message is being delivered, when I don’t want to be in the room because I don’t know how to handle it and when everything is going to hell and I’m practically at the breaking point because I can’t think and do as fast as is required – even then, I’m still the one in the best seat. And I think of the day when the world turns upside down and I’m suddenly on the other side.

I want to change the world – instead I sleep…

 

Everyday is a winding road

I get a little bit closer to feeling fine…

I love this video of Sheryl Crow live – happy, energetic and the perfect song for a day where I’m running on my spare batteries. I spent most of the night tossing and turning and waiting for the next patient to drop by the emergency room. It was actually quite a calm night, and if I hadn’t been thinking so much about other irrelevant stuff I would have slept my usual amount of hours, be it a bit interrupted. But I didn’t, I slept maybe 2 good hours and a couple of those where you’re sleeping but not really. So when I got home this morning I wasn’t tired enough (and way too hungry!) to go to sleep and now I’m just in slow-mode probably for the rest of the day. The typical morning after.

Anyway, I actually do have stuff to do today. I’m baking muffins (for Friday) and quite possibly pancakes (that are going in the freezer until Saturday), I’m also supposed to do laundry and mop the floor, and for that to get done I’ll need some very (very!) energetic and up-beat music!

 

Washi

I have now lived in my apartment for over 6 months and somehow I’m still not even close to done with getting it just the way I want it. Partly because I can’t afford to just go out and buy everything at once, but also because it’s really hard deciding what goes and what doesn’t. I’ve had the thought of black and white photographs all along, that’s kind of my inspirations – and then wood elements have just found their way in as a way to soften things up (and also because my dining room table is of oak and I can’t just throw it out and buy a new one right now).

A couple of weeks (months?) ago I bought three photos from Etsy and I just love them! Unfortunately I’ve hung them to high, so now I’m in a lost for how to move them without leaving big ugly holes in the wall. What I never thought of until I found my way in to En mammas dag – Weronica, was to put them up with washi tape! It looks so pretty, and you can just move it around as you please. I can think of thousands (ok, so maybe just five, but still!) ways of using it to make a white wall a bit more interesting, and it keeps up with the black and white theme of things!
So now I’m obsessed with buying some tape – I just need to stick to my decorating budget (which for the rest of the month is zero Danish crowns…) and wait to next week. The problem is I’m lousy at waiting! And – I already have something else in mind for my October decorating-budget, and it just might take the whole money pool (and maybe even a chunk of Novembers!)

I wish I could get everything I want and then some – I’m not good at depriving myself of anything. (Jeez, I sound like a spoil brat!) But I guess I’ll just have to wait and keep calm, and maybe ask someone to hide my visa from me for the next couple of days.

 
 

Top pictures from En mammas dag, bottom left picture from Etsy.com and bottom right picture from Trendenser.

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…

Oh yeah, it’s one of those mornings, woke up with a smile and just knew it was going to be a good day. Kesha’s party song actually fits quite well today… “Cause when I leave for the night, I aint coming back” or “Tonight, Imma fight ‘til we see the sunlight” – can you guess what I’m up to tonight?

Ok, so maybe in your world going in for a nightshift isn’t really a party – but hey, I love my job!

Freedom

I did something really bold yesterday. Something I’ve never done before, something that I had been thinking about for a couple of days and that made me nervous in an absurd and all too exaggerated way. So what happened when I did it? Nothing! I was the only one who knew how big this thing had become and even I was stunned at how little it meant when I had finally done it. It didn’t go as I’d planned, and of course that bugs me, but not nearly as much as I had thought it would.

So what have I learned from this 10 seconds experience? To not build things up in my head of course! One might think that it’s such an obvious conclusion and fact that I should have learned it somewhere somehow earlier than at 27 years and 4 months, but I haven’t. I guess I’m slow.

So am I going to tell you what it was?

No, of course not! I might have learned that you shouldn’t build things up in your head, and writing this blog might be showing me how to open up about all kind of stuff – but I’m not quite at the point of revealing embarrassing, personal and possibly life-altering stuff, just yet at least.

Now my problem is how to top this? I need to come up with some way of going forwards, challenging myself and maybe, just maybe – getting a little closer to what I actually was asking for yesterday. If I’m not to big of a chicken I’ll try asking again on Friday in a more direct way – maybe this time I won’t feel like I might die or at least pass out.

This is from Therese Sennerholts webshow and I just might buy the picture to have it hanging on my front door so I see it every time I leave home, I think I (and probably most people!) need the push every singel morning!