Sep 29, 2011

All we can do is keep breathing

A heavy heart for no good reason, yeah, that’s me.

In my very first post on this blog I explained the name of the blog, which is a song by Leftover Cuties that inspired me somehow. What I didn’t mention is that I first heard this song on “The Big C” and that the inspiration probably was a combination from both the song and the show. It’s a bit of a strange show, especially for an American TV-show. They are usually so happy and idealistic and portray a life that very few people lead though many want to.

We all want friends like Rachel and Chandler, clothes like Serena, super interesting cases at work that we solve with our perfect brains like House or a marriage/family life that has some drama but always gets resolved before the episode is over or at least before the season finale, like practically every show out there. The Big C isn’t one of those shows. It has a story where the only probable outcome is death.

So why bother watching? I have no idea. Honestly I have no idea why, but I watch the show thinking of my patients, not any one specific, just the group as a whole. My interaction with them, which for me is an ordinary day at work – interesting and all, but still sometimes a mundane workday – is for them a huge unwelcomed blob of ink in their calendars. I seldom think about their lives outside of hospital when I’m working. I don’t think about the calls they’ve made to friends and family to arrange someone to look after their dog or kids of flowers while they’re in for treatment. I’m not sure I could do my job if I started picturing their dog all alone at home with no one to give it food or water because I decided that their owner should stay the night for observation, just to be sure. Then again, I know I’m not doing my job if I don’t see them as persons who are part of a whole world where my recommendations, medicines and appointments need to fit in. I’m the outsider; I need to fit in to their world, not the other way around.

So I watch The Big C and I cry, and I get this stone right around the area where my heart normally lives and I think of everything I could – and should – do better. I think of how lucky I am that even when the worst message is being delivered, when I don’t want to be in the room because I don’t know how to handle it and when everything is going to hell and I’m practically at the breaking point because I can’t think and do as fast as is required – even then, I’m still the one in the best seat. And I think of the day when the world turns upside down and I’m suddenly on the other side.

I want to change the world – instead I sleep…


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