Nov 29, 2011

I wish I had a river I could sail away on…

We’re not even in December and Christmas is already ruined. I feel like taking all the stupid stuff down and throwing them out. If they hadn’t already bought their tickets I would have called the whole thing off. Instead now I have to prepare a Christmas that I know won’t be any better than the ones we’re used to having. It’s like there’s a curse on this family. I was stupid enough to think I could do it better, that I could change it – but I can’t, the same people with the same problems make the same type of Christmas, no matter where you are.

I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep trying and expecting it do be different and then feel myself becoming more and more dark and bitter as the years pass. It’s such a childish wish, I really thought I had left it behind years ago, but then this opportunity comes along, of doing things differently and the wish just pops up again – the stupid childish wish of having a calm, happy, normal Christmas. I feel like I’m five years old building a beautiful snowman that some horrible person just stepped all over, and worst part is that I’m the horrible person doing the stepping.

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