I have this tendency of getting really upset and mad from time to time because I feel like I never get what I want. It’s funny really, considering I’ve actually always gotten what I want. The thing is, I always feel like I get the “almost but not quite there”- solution, the fake Fendi. It looks just the same as the real one (it’s a really good fake) – so why does it matter? It shouldn’t, I know it shouldn’t, but it feels different and so it does.
I do realize I sound like a spoiled brat, if that’s any help. Mostly I’m happy to have gotten what I want, it’s just that sometimes I can’t help but think about what it would have been like to have gotten it exactly as I wanted it. I know it sounds terrible, and I am happy that I now am a doctor – but I do think about how it would have been to have studied in Uppsala, close to my family, in my own language, establishing roots close to my hometown and not in a completely different country – the way I had planned it in my head for years. I wonder how it would have been like to have understood the first couple of lectures, how it would have been like not having constantly to explain my presence in another country than my own and last but not least – how it would have been like not having to choose between staying or going.
When I moved down here I never thought I would get as attached as I did, I never realized it would become home and that from that moment I would become torn between here and there. I’ve kept postponing the decision, thinking that it’s not really necessary to make a decision before the absolute last minute, but not making it has also left the question unanswered and the problem unresolved, and ultimately me still torn. I’m happy with what I got; it just would have been easier to have gotten it “the right way”. So have I decided yet – staying or going? Of course not, I thought I would know by the time I graduated, but I didn’t and I still don’t, so for now I’m waiting for that last minute, and from time to time bitching over the fact that in another life, I’d gotten it just as I wanted it and this would never have been a problem.
How can you not get attached when campus looks like this!?