There is little that scares me as much as time does, imagining it passing, constant and unstoppable. It’s strange; because you’d think that it would make me appreciate it even more, spend every hour of every day as it were my last. It doesn’t. It paralyzes me completely. I just keep fixating on the fact that I can’t do anything about it, that I can’t go back, and that every second passed is a second I can’t get back. Not that I can think of what to do with all of those seconds if I could get them back. Probably just sit there and stare – which is exactly what I did in the first place. I’m not sure that it’s about missing something or wasting it though, I think it might be that the whole concept is too big for my head, I can’t explain why it scares me, but it really does.
So why am I speculating over this in the middle of the night? Well, mostly it’s because it’s at night that it becomes so much more obvious to me. I keep telling myself that I need to go to bed, but at the same time I keep thinking about all the time I’m missing while sleeping, and all the things I should be doing that I haven’t done during the day. But instead of doing them, I just keep thinking about the seconds passing, completely paralyzed.
It’s a little bit like when you were a kid and you thought that if you closed your eyes nobody could see you – I keep thinking that if I stand completely still maybe time will stand still with me.
It just never does.