The impossible question

The most dangerous game you can play is the, “what if” game, it leads your head to places it should never go. As I’ve written before I hate it when I go there. I get scared that I’ll get stuck in the past. Even so sometimes you can’t help yourself, it’s so tempting, imagining the life you might have led now, if…

Well actually there’s a problem right there, I don’t really know if what. Maybe if I’d been more honest? Maybe if I had taken a risk and not always played it so safe? If I at least had a moment I could look back on where I could have done it differently, made some sort of declaration or been asked a direct question that I could have answered honestly but didn’t – but I don’t have such a moment. There are just fragments of memories where a moment almost presented itself but then somehow disappeared again. Blink once and the moment has past, blink twice and years have.

Again, as I’ve written before the conundrum around people growing together and growing apart confounds me. The ups and downs of a relationship is probably one of the most mysterious things out there, maybe I should have studied anthropology instead of medicine… I just wish I had some explanation for it, for the downfall of a relationship, or the lasting for that matter – let’s not be so negative.

The best relationship I have in my life is definitely not the easiest one, it has taken years and tears to get here, it has been necessary to be together a lot and also to have a lot of mental and physical space between us. Somehow we’ve ended up becoming each others best friend, but I suppose it could have just as easily turned into a horrible relationship that you would have had to endure throughout your entire life. The point is, I have no idea when or where this relationship turned, suddenly it was just good, but I wish I did know, because if it hadn’t turned out good I would desperately have wanted to go back and change that exact moment.

Just as I want with a couple of other relationships that haven’t turned out as good as this one.

Obviously all this thinking came about after watching “One day” – if you haven’t read the book yet – shame on you! And don’t cheat yourself out of a good book by watching the movie first!