Doing big things

So I had a meeting with MSF last Friday. We talked about how my recruitment had gone and the different steps there are in the whole process of being sent to the field. I'm now in the preparation phase and boy am I feeling it. There are a million things to do and I'm doing lists like never before, but that might be because I keep losing them... I can sometimes get overwhelmed by everything I need to get in order and my thoughts can't help themselves, they race off to a month from now, five months from now and a year from now - how do I want things to look then? I keep struggling with wanting to sit on two chairs at once. I'm highly devoted to my career here at home and I don't want to miss any chances, but I know that I can't do both things at once and deep down I know that there will be a job for me when I get back. But it's difficult to settle and be comfortable with your own decision when everyone around you are busting their butts to pimp their resumés while I practically take a year off and say screw it, I'm doing this for me and I don't care about the consequences. Because I do care!

Anyways, after I received a to do list from MSF themselves (which suddenly made my own list stretch over two pages...) I feel like I have something tangible to do. It always helps on my chaotic thoughts to have some practical stuff to do that I can check off the list after I'm done. Somehow taking some passport photos of myself is much easier to accomplish and therefor more satisfying, than the stupid "get the apartment ready for quick packing so that you can scram on a moments notice" task I have on one of my lists.

As I said, I know everything will turn out fine - better even! I know this is what I want to do and I'm actually kind of proud of myself for taking this year off the conveyor belt, I think it'll be really good for me, but at the same time I'm giving myself permission to be scared and nervous, it is a big deal and you're supposed to feel nervous when you're doing big stuff.

More than a thousand words

So it's been a terribly grey and uneventful sunday. One of those days where I spend the whole day thinking that I should travel more, like leaving tomorrow. It always gets me thinking about last time I went somewhere and browsing the photos I've taken on my (not that many) trips. 

Doing that I came over this picture and it's just the best photo ever. It might not be the best quality or lighting or anything - it's a pretty random shot taken with my phone. The reason why it's special is the girl on the lower left corner. This is the friend whom I went to Paris with last fall. We were looking around the Notre Dame on a rainy afternoon and like so many tourists got separated inside the big cathedral filled with people. I'm not sure how long we walked around trying to find each other before we both figured it was easiest to just wait by the exit. When I found her there I just couldn't figure out how she'd passed me as she was walking behind me and I was actually looking for her. Afterwards when I was browsing the photos I'd taken inside I found this one, with her in it, and I was so surprised. It's taken just as she's passing me without seeing me and I'm taking a picture without realizing she's in it. 

I have a tendency to take a lot of pictures when traveling, most of them are useless. They aren't particularly good and don't really say that much about the trip. This one is different, it has a story and a great friend in it.

It's in his kiss

In honor of this international love fest of a day here are some pics of happy couples smooching - or at least I choose to see them as happy couples and not some random hookups, but you know, whatever floats your boat...

So whether you're into the whole flowers, chocolate and hearts thing or you feel your gag reflex being triggered just by me mentioning them, I'm pretty sure we can all agree that kissing is a pretty good thing. 

I haven't always been a big supporter of Valentines day as I do think it's a commercialized non-holliday where the main goal is to get people spending money on silly things. The idea of first giving a girl chocolates and then a thong to hop into (or whatever lingerie the salesclerk said would be super flattering and sexy) is just kind of cruel don't you think? The result is as always with gift-giving-hollidays a bit of a letdown if you ask me.

But anyways, I've come around and I now feel like if one day out of the year we're driven to consumerism for love, at least it's a better reason than most other days of the year.

I like thinking about all the love floating around the world this day, from the stupid roses that are delivered in the High Schools to the (uninventive) proposals that are occurring in restaurants across the globe, I hope you're feeling the love. And if someone forgot to buy the overpriced flowers today and all you got was a kiss, I would say you're still pretty lucky.

Pic.source; My Pinterest board!

Waiting for courage - or numbness

So I had to take a blood sample on a kid a couple of nights ago. It's obviously not unusual and as you might imagine it's not their favorite part of being in a hospital, so it's not unusual that they fuss when we do it. Last night was a bit different though. 

We have this cream that you put on their elbow crease that gives a bit of local anesthesia and usually this is a good thing. However this kid last night hated it, and I really get it. He got it on and then he had to wait for it to take, that is he had to lay there thinking about the fact that he was going to have blood drawn for almost an entire hour! He yelled and cried and said he was scared, all very natural and very common but still, heartbreaking. Later I talked to our nurses about why we put it on in the first place. Sure it takes the pain away from the actual blood drawing, but when you're big enough to think about what's going to happen it just gives you a whole lot of time to think about it and become increasingly scared. When the hour had passed and our lab.technicians came he had screamed for an hour and then, less than a minute later it was over. Kind of anticlimactic and unnecessary if you ask me.

I've often talked to my sister about the fact that the saying "act your age" is the dumbest saying in the world, because people act like kids no matter what age they are. I know this because the fact that I'm pretty close to thirty doesn't change the fact that I am just like the little guy. The nurses thought he was exaggerating and that he was acting childish (I mean he was over five, you're supposed to be able to "suck it up" at that age... or something...) and I kept thinking - this is the most normal reaction I've seen since I've started working here. If someone tells me I have to do something I'm really scared of doing I get a huge lump in my stomach and the longer I wait the bigger it gets, at one point or another I know that if I don't do it I'll become a screaming maniac that just can't handle it anymore. 

Still I keep waiting, thinking at some point courage will come to me, the anesthetic will start working and I won't feel any pain. 

Source: 1

Making a mess

It's always strange to be away from work for a couple of days. I actually only had two days off, but still, it feels long somehow. When I come back I always feel a bit out of the loop, I don't know who the patients are or if there's been any problems. Then there's the tricky part of being the union representative, I'm supposed to know what's going on and it's difficult when my schedule consists of weekends and nights.

Oh well, enough bitching for one evening.

Or actually... There's also the part of me being a starter and not a finisher. When I have a couple of days off I always do this dumb thing, (besides getting sick!) I start rearranging the apartment. I remember when I lived at home I was always the one moving my furniture around in my room, rearranging and trying out new ideas. I haven't done it so much here, the living room has only been rearranged once or twice in a year and my bedroom has looked the same since I moved in. This means I was good and ready to do something about the bedroom. Yesterday I decided I don't need a workspace in my bedroom anymore (which is true, I've never once worked there) so I moved the table out into the living room and started to sort thru my folders. Today I have a table randomly standing in the path to the kitchen and next to my kitchen table (my new workspace) is a huge pile of papers that are supposed to be thrown out and one that I haven't gotten to sort thru yet.

Luckily I have all of next week off to hopefully fix this mess. Except I wanted to use next week to sort thru all my clothes, I think I might be able to get rid of half my wardrobe and definitely half my shoes... Now the question is how long I can stand having my bed facing the door before I get totally creeped out and have to move it again... 

And this is how it looked up until yesterday, today it looks way different, but as it's still a mess in there I'll hold on the pics for now.

A lovely weekend

With that in mind I'm pulling on my jacket and heading out into the snow/rainstorm and straight towards the little people that I haven't seen in over a week, I can't wait! 

Making the most of a sick situation

This morning I had to call in sick to work, which was a problem - not only because it's always problematic when the person who's supposed to have the nightshift gets sick - but because talking on the phone isn't really something I'm capable of right now. Actually it's not really limited to the phone - talking at all isn't really an option right now. Obviously that becomes painfully clear when I try to sing along the lovely pick-me-up songs I've been playing all day. My poor neighbors, that normally have to tolerate my slightly off tune singing (I know some people out there are thinking - slightly!? I know who you are...) are now victims of me once in a while forgetting my ruined vocal cords and bursting out lyrics like a drowning cat. I do feel sorry for them, though maybe not as much as I feel sorry for myself.

Apart from singing I've spent the day building a village! Yesterday, Frida from Trendenser showed some super cute houses that she had made and today DesignoForm put up the instructions. So obviously me being the origami lover that I am had to try it out. Turns out it's quite easy! So now I'm thinking of making a whole bunch and make a village to go on top of my bookcase, but they might need to be a bit bigger than the ones I've made so far. Also, this gets me in the mood to redecorate and fix some things around the apartment. For example I'd like to move things around in the bedroom, but then I stood up to go check it out and the whole world took a spin and my throbbing head insisted I sit down and calm down and I remembered - oh yeah, I'm still sick. Crap!

Sweet dreams (are made of this)

 

 

Today I was unfortunately too dizzy to stand up for more than five minutes, much less go anywhere, so even though I've been yearning to do some cupcakes all day I've just been looking at the pictures - and the accessories! 

I think I might need to invest in some equipment soon. I mean you can't really bake without the cutest apron ever from Anthropology, or a pink whisk for that matter. The cupcakes I'm considering making are the ones on the right picture but with the frosting from the left picture. Banana cupcakes with white chocolate frosting, not to shabby I'd say... The pictures and recipes are from Linnéas Skafferi - a Swedish food blog I've been following for a while now. She makes some really great cupcakes (like the chocolate cupcakes with Bailey frosting) and the easiest most delusions ice-cream  (which is actually how I found the blog in the first place...). 

But as I said, I can't stand for very long and I can't go out and buy the cream cheese for the frosting so it'll have to wait. In the meantime I think I'll start checking out what's been coming in for spring in the stores - it feels like the perfect balance to the snowstorm outside...

Pic.sources: 1, 2, 3, 4 

Friday I'm in - bed?

I don't get this, I've had the flu already! It's actually less than a month ago that I was feverish and practically out cold for a week. It took almost three weeks to be completely over it - and now here I am - sick - again! Luckily I have today off work and a whole weekend without work so I don't need to call in sick, but I sure could think of a better way to spend my days off other than laying in bed covered up in blankets and freezing or five minutes later sweating a river from the fever breaking. It's infuriating!

The thing is, just because I'm sick and have a headache my mind doesn't stop working. So instead I spend the hours thinking about everything I should be doing - like preparing two presentations I have next month and two classes that I'm teaching in march. I should be looking at cheaper apartments, preparing for a couple of courses I'm taking these coming weeks and making a weekly meal plan (yes, I've stopped cooking again and need to take care of it!). I have some e-mails to answer and some calls to make. And in the midst of it all I come to think about a friend who has a miles long to-do list on her phone that she was considering organizing - and putting "organizing to-do list" on her to-do list! Goodness gracious! If I get myself in the shower and in some proper clothes for a work dinner tonight I'll be ecstatic.

Heartbeats

You know what's the worst? Waiting. I can't handle waiting. I feel my skin start to crawl and my hands start to itch, and my heart, oh my poor heart it's rhythm increases as the minutes tick by. Today I've been very focused on my phone. I don't remember any other day I've been so grateful for work, today the kids have been the only way to get my mind away from my phone, and from the waiting.

I was waiting for a call, or an e-mail - a sign, any sign that the meeting I had last week and the meeting I had yesterday had gone well. Then at last it came, an e-mail with the most wonderful words in the first sentence - I'm pleased to welcome you... Amazing! Luckily I didn't have patients at the time because I had to jump up and dance around just a little bit to celebrate. Today I won't be scared of what this means and what will come, today I'll just be happy and proud and bubbly.

So if that waiting is over, why am I bitching about it? Well, when I have an excess of energy I tend to do this one thing - bake. It makes me happy and I get to pound a dough senseless. But there's just one little tiny problem, the raise! Sweet Jesus I'm bad at waiting. And as I wait for the dough to double it's size I can't help but start feeling my skin crawl, my hands itch and my heart beating like a maniac. But maybe today the heartbeat isn't anxiousness, maybe it's just pure relief, joy and happiness? Maybe what I need isn't to sit down, breathe deeply and relax, maybe what I need is to jump and shout and dance around? 

And later, when the bubbles are out of my system, I'll enjoy the most delicious cinnamon rolls and a big glass of milk in the company of one of my favorite girls in the world!

Update: Three hours later, I'm done eating buns, drinking tea and talking and talking and talking. Some days are just really close to perfect - and today was really really close. 

The butterflies

I must say, it's been a couple of interesting days. Sunday night at the hospital was interesting. I love the width we work with at a pediatric ward. On any random day I can be presented with everything from chronic diseases to psychiatric patients to highly stressful life and death situations, and this Sunday I was. It's exciting, invigorating and exhausting. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again; I truly love my job, but yesterday morning I kept forgetting where I'd put my clothes and talking took a great deal of effort, it's probably one of the most stressful mornings I've had in quite a while. 

Luckily the rest of the day was a bit more mellow. I spent the day with thousands of butterflies in my stomach but I found out that some laughs and a couple of glasses of red wine could drown them so it turned out pretty good. Today I had an important meeting and spent all morning trying to calm my nerves without wine and laughs - I must say, I was not very successful. Hopefully the meeting went ok anyway and I'll find out more in a couple of days.

So after two butterfly filled days I've gone over to something completely butterfly-free - I'm now reading like a maniac to be ready for thursdays presentation. Pages and pages of care and complications of preterm babies - my head is spinning with abbreviations like ELBW, VLBW, RDS, BPD, NEC and so on. Interesting, of course, but it's a lot to take in on a three hour train ride. To boost my energy I bought some more tulips (I'm the only idiot that would think of bringing them all the way from Copenhagen), yes, I am now addicted! 

You make me wanna shout

This is my view right now. I'm trying to pretend that we are close to spring and not in fact in the deepest middle of winter. The light feels like spring, but the wind and the snow covered ground are not to be mistaken, they're definitely winter all the way. 

Though to be honest with you I'm not all that interested in time moving faster, actually a pause button would be quite lovely right about now. There are so many things that need to get settled this month that I'm a bit overwhelmed. I'm trying not to think to much about it but it's hard when people around you keep asking questions about making plans for a month or two from now. Right now all I can think about it getting through this week in one piece.

I have some preparing to do for an important meeting on tuesday and then I haven't even started on a presentation for thursday. Apart form that I need to sign myself op for some important courses (and yes, for that I do need to think into march and april which I'm trying not to do!) and talk to our union about my schedule which looks like hell... Crap, this is why I don't update here, I get a lump in my stomach just thinking all these things through.

Funnilly enough the title to this post started out referring to something completely different, but it's actually very fitting for my mood today. I should dance it out, that's where I can shout, and throw my head back and shout...

I think Christina knows what I'm talking about... ;-)

If we ever meet again

Yes, a silly old Timbaland song has inspired this post, not only because it’s a catchy and energetic song, but also because it says something I’m very used to saying which I find kind of funny, I thought I was the only one...

Years back (a decade or so…) I met a guy I really liked, he was sweet and smart and cute – everything I was looking for in a guy at the time. We met on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking I’ll tell him tomorrow, I’ll tell him when we’re alone, after dinner, after breakfast and so on. We took several walks alone, sat and talked for hours just the two of us and still it never felt like the right time. Finally the day came when we were leaving and I felt this panicked feeling of having missed my chance. I ran down from my room where I had been packing and over to his room with the excuse of returning something I had borrowed, but with the full intention of telling him how I felt. Once there I got tongue-tied and said something in the likes of “are you sure you’re not gay?” I still now, a decade later blush with embarrassment. Is that supposed to say to him that I like him? I could have bitten off my tongue the second I’d said it. In my screwed up head I meant; “you’re too good to be true”, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what came across. I couldn’t get myself to explain and I just left the room devastated. I spent the train ride home replaying the whole trip in my head, finding moments and places where I could have said what I wanted to say, that wasn’t minutes before we were leaving, and of course also finding hundreds of different things I could have said that would have given a more accurate description of what I felt than “are you sure you’re not gay?” The only consolation I had was that if we ever met again I would be different; I would be confident and honest, I would never let the same thing happen again.

I never saw him again. And to be honest I haven’t met many guys like him in the last ten years, but would I, had I met one, done it differently? I’m not sure… Actually I’m sure I wouldn’t have. Still it’s a great consolation to think about, that next time – next time will be completely different… Hope is the last thing that leaves us, right?

“I’ll never be the same

If we ever meet again

I'll have so much more to say

If we ever meet again

I wont let you go away

If we ever meet again”

To go where the magic happens

Do you know what I really hate about myself? That I’m a scaredy-cat, that I get freaked out by everything and nothing. One of my New Years resolutions is to be gutsier. To do things I want to do even though they scare me. I’ve never gotten the whole “do one thing that scares you every day” resolution. I mean, what’s the point in going around looking for scary things to do if they don’t have a purpose in them selves? I’m not planning on jumping off a plane just for the heck of it (not until I turn 30 – but that’s another story ;-). I just don’t want fear to dictate what I do.

Some things that I’ve done, that other people might see as brave have almost never been scary to me, they’ve been impulsive things that I don’t realise are big until afterwards. I don’t remember the last time I did something that really scared me, because when fear gets a grip it’s so insanely hard to shake again and I end up backing out. This year is quite unplanned and unsettled and that actually scares me a lot. It’s exciting and thrilling too of course, but not knowing where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in a year – or even just six months – it scares the crap out of me. I’m working on being ok with it, to focus on the thrilling part, the possibilities, but so far it’s just getting scarier and scarier as the days pas. I hope that once I’m on the other side of this years New Years Eve I can write that even though I might still be a scaredy-cat I didn’t back out of something I really wanted to do just because I was scared, I wish I can write that I was brave – actually, knowingly brave.

Promises Promises...

Ok, so this day you hear a lot about – yeah, you guessed it – New Year resolutions. I’ve always been against them. I mean why would this specific day be any different from the rest? Why not just make the changes you want to make on any other random day of the year? But mostly I’ve always stayed away from them for the same reason I think most people don’t like making them, you’re pretty sure you won’t keep them and then you’ll just be disappointed. I suppose that’s a realistic outlook on things, it’s just the more I read about people thinking like that, the more it irritates me.

If you don’t make promises because you don’t want to break them – then don’t break them! And if you always make promises that you break then maybe you should think about how much you actually want to keep them, how important they are to you, and lastly maybe try to adjust your level of ambition. The solution isn’t in any way not to make the promise in the first place.

My sister once told me (I think she’d heard it from Oprah) that the most important person, to whom you need to keep your promises, is yourself. There is nothing worse than not trusting your own word. I remember how spot on I felt it when she said it. That’s it; I don’t trust my own word. When I tell myself I’ll do something and someone else asks me to do something that happens to interfere with that, I always end up breaking the promise I made to myself before breaking the promise I’ve made to someone else, and somehow I don’t think that’s right.

This year, despite the fact that I’ve never kept a New Years resolution before, I’ll make them, and if twelve months from now I haven’t accomplished them (yet!), I’ll know at least I’ve tried, and that’s far better than giving up before you even start!

Cheers to a happier, healthier and gutsier 2013!

Happy New Year!!