Do you know what I really hate about myself? That I’m a scaredy-cat, that I get freaked out by everything and nothing. One of my New Years resolutions is to be gutsier. To do things I want to do even though they scare me. I’ve never gotten the whole “do one thing that scares you every day” resolution. I mean, what’s the point in going around looking for scary things to do if they don’t have a purpose in them selves? I’m not planning on jumping off a plane just for the heck of it (not until I turn 30 – but that’s another story ;-). I just don’t want fear to dictate what I do.
Some things that I’ve done, that other people might see as brave have almost never been scary to me, they’ve been impulsive things that I don’t realise are big until afterwards. I don’t remember the last time I did something that really scared me, because when fear gets a grip it’s so insanely hard to shake again and I end up backing out. This year is quite unplanned and unsettled and that actually scares me a lot. It’s exciting and thrilling too of course, but not knowing where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing in a year – or even just six months – it scares the crap out of me. I’m working on being ok with it, to focus on the thrilling part, the possibilities, but so far it’s just getting scarier and scarier as the days pas. I hope that once I’m on the other side of this years New Years Eve I can write that even though I might still be a scaredy-cat I didn’t back out of something I really wanted to do just because I was scared, I wish I can write that I was brave – actually, knowingly brave.