Jan 8, 2013

If we ever meet again

Yes, a silly old Timbaland song has inspired this post, not only because it’s a catchy and energetic song, but also because it says something I’m very used to saying which I find kind of funny, I thought I was the only one...

Years back (a decade or so…) I met a guy I really liked, he was sweet and smart and cute – everything I was looking for in a guy at the time. We met on a trip and the whole time I kept thinking I’ll tell him tomorrow, I’ll tell him when we’re alone, after dinner, after breakfast and so on. We took several walks alone, sat and talked for hours just the two of us and still it never felt like the right time. Finally the day came when we were leaving and I felt this panicked feeling of having missed my chance. I ran down from my room where I had been packing and over to his room with the excuse of returning something I had borrowed, but with the full intention of telling him how I felt. Once there I got tongue-tied and said something in the likes of “are you sure you’re not gay?” I still now, a decade later blush with embarrassment. Is that supposed to say to him that I like him? I could have bitten off my tongue the second I’d said it. In my screwed up head I meant; “you’re too good to be true”, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what came across. I couldn’t get myself to explain and I just left the room devastated. I spent the train ride home replaying the whole trip in my head, finding moments and places where I could have said what I wanted to say, that wasn’t minutes before we were leaving, and of course also finding hundreds of different things I could have said that would have given a more accurate description of what I felt than “are you sure you’re not gay?” The only consolation I had was that if we ever met again I would be different; I would be confident and honest, I would never let the same thing happen again.

I never saw him again. And to be honest I haven’t met many guys like him in the last ten years, but would I, had I met one, done it differently? I’m not sure… Actually I’m sure I wouldn’t have. Still it’s a great consolation to think about, that next time – next time will be completely different… Hope is the last thing that leaves us, right?

“I’ll never be the same
If we ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
If we ever meet again
I wont let you go away
If we ever meet again”

No comments:

Post a Comment