Aug 31, 2011

What would you ask if you had just one question?

Why is it so hard to believe (or how do I open my heart to the unknown)? Of all the things I wonder I guess that sums it up quite well. Every year I feel like believing becomes harder and harder, not only in God, but also in love, in people and in the future. I catch myself longing back to my teenage years – yeah, I know, nobody liked their teen-years, but I did. Everything was so clear, I was so sure. I remember my dad saying something like “nobody is ever quite as idealistic as a teen, they know what they believe and they believe it so strongly that it’s hard to argue with them”. I remember being almost insulted by the fact that he practically was telling me that “just wait and see you won’t be so sure in ten years” – because of course I would still have the same values and beliefs.

Now here I am, not knowing, unsure and doubting. It’s so hard to disconnect the logical, cynical and jaded side that has developed during the last couple of years. How do you ignore the lessons of life you’ve supposed to have learned? Especially when the lessons are hindering you from keeping on learning?

I can sometimes still feel the longing for a cold and calm church, the mass with it’s steps that I know so well, the words that come automatically (in Swedish, mind you) the calmness that comes after, the security and comfort. I haven’t been to mass in years though. I don’t even really know why. I had a period with a bunch of doubts and things I couldn’t agree with the church on (still can’t, witch probably is part of the reason), and I had the very unfortunate luck of attending mass with a new and quite conservative minister in my hometown who said something like “you need to listen to what is in your heart, and those are the values you need to follow” and of course something about those values needing to be the same ones that the catholic church proclaims to be a “real” catholic. In my heart I can’t be against gay-marriages, or gays adopting, or a woman’s right to choose, or birth control for that matter, I just can’t, it’s not what my heart, or my head says. And after that I haven’t been to mass. But I do miss it, the reminder that you are put on earth by a higher power that has some sort of plan with it all, that someone is looking after you and making sure you are going the right way even when you feel lost and most of all, the comfort in knowing that you are worth more than your biggest sin – all that together is what makes going to mass an amazing experience. I just wish I could open my heart to the complete unknown and just believe. I just wish it weren’t so hard.

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