Dec 7, 2012

What will land me in a psyche ward...

I never talk about the fact that I don't have a boyfriend or a family close by unless asked about it. I mean there's not much to say really, it is what it is, and when I do talk about it I mostly say it's ok, that I'm ok with it. The thing is that mostly I am fine with it. I have my friends, I talk to my family a lot (thank you Skype!) and I spend a lot of time at my job which I love. The problem is (as always!) when the balance goes missing. These last couple of weeks the balance has been completely off. Twice I've been on the verge of tears at work from pure exhaustion (and frustration) and at home the tears come way to often for no particular reason (a sentimental post on a blog, a sappy movie or a song that brings out memories). I know what it is, I know I'm not depressed or sad or anything else weird, I'm just tired. I need to sleep. I need to have day when I don't get up at 6 in the morning. I need a day where I can walk outside while the sun is still out. I need a weekend. Yes, something that simple. And I need to have a social life. I can feel myself slowly going insane by not having at least one conversation a day that isn't about coughing, seizures and babies losing weigh.

These are the times when I get the point of having someone to come home to, not that I don't get it otherwise but these periods really emphasize the fact that people weren't meant to live alone. I miss someone to bitch to when I get home, someone to tell a funny story to about a kid at work and someone who tells me about their day and their problems. I need another persons perspective. I need someone that I care enough about to make dinner to and put a smile on for. Instead of grumpily nuking frozen dinners and throwing myself on the couch to watch whatever I can find on Netflix just to not go to bed at six in the evening.

It sounds horrible and pathetic when I put all in black and white but I need to write it down, I need to see it to realize and understand that it's not an ok way to live your life and that I need to do something about it. Today I met a friend for coffee after work. You might think it's a small thing but to me it's huge. It made my day. I felt that neglected part of me brighten up. I got to vent and talk, and then I got to listen and feel my problems disappear in the presence of someone else's. I got perspective.

I love my job, every single day I love it. This is an unusually unfortunate period where everything that can get messed up has gotten messed up with the planning of our shifts and somehow it's mostly fallen on me to pick up the extra shifts and hours. I thought nothing could ever change the way I feel about work, that I could put as many hours in as necessary, that I loved it enough to just keep going. I know that it's a naive thought now. I need to get away from it to be able to keep coming back, and I'm not talking about vacation or a long break - I just need a weekend. One alarm-free, breakfast at noon, window shopping, book reading, market going, flower buying, clothes washing blissfully unplanned weekend. Unfortunately I'll have to wait a while for one of those weekends, but hey, at least I love what I do after I'm done forcing myself out of bed.

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