Nov 8, 2012

Get ready to jump

I'm freaking out. I'm literally freaking out right now.

I've been sick today. Laying in bed/on the couch/floor trying to find some kind of comfort without much success. I've been feverish and throwing up, feeling insanely sorry for myself. So just a couple of minutes ago I woke up thinking it was midnight - it was pitch dark and I was asleep on the couch with the computer on my belly - that's usually a sign that it's midnight and I should move over to the bed. Only I woke to find it was just past six in the evening. So I thought, I need to do something productive with this day - at least what's left of it. That's never a good thing. That always gets me stressed and unsettled until I do something big like drag all my clothes out of the closet for a well needed re-organization, or take out my old school books and start a study session with papers all over the kitchen table.

Today I didn't do that. The computer was right there. I just had to get it started and click me into the page I've been visiting regularly for months and months now without doing anything. So I went in and without questioning anything or thinking twice I just clicked send.

My head is now worse than my stomach. Thoughts like "I'm not ready", "It's too soon", "I should have checked the letter one more time or maybe added some extra files" are tumbling around knocking each other down. Just a couple of weeks ago I told a friend that I was thinking about waiting for another six months to send the application - just to be sure, to save some money and get my things in order. She smiled and asked if I was getting cold feet. Of course I am - they're stone cold! But now it's done - I think I might throw up...

Christ, I need to get my life going, or one of these days I'll get this feeling again and I'll end up throwing myself out of a cliff out of pure impulse.

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