Aug 23, 2012

Making room on the top floor

The strangest and most frustrating thing that can happen to me is having my head full of thoughts that just won't stick on paper. That's kind of how I feel tonight, but I'll give it a try seeing as I probably won't get any sleep until I've gotten some of the thoughts out of the overcrowded brain of mine.

For some strange reason the universe has thrown a full blown attack on my cowardice lately. I've been aware of it for a long time - as I've written before, and tried to do something about it but to be honest without much of an effect. Obviously it's hard to change such a core part of one self, but right now it feels closer to impossible, though I have to say that having cowardice as part of my core self doesn't sound too appealing either. Just to think that I was in Las Vegas for a night and didn't gamble once. I assumed I wouldn't win and to my astonished surprise - I didn't. On the other hand (the strong hand that always wins the argument) I didn't loose either. The really sucky part though is that in life, every time I don't gamble for fear of loosing I end up feeling like the biggest looser anyway.

Ok, so being confronted by my silly fears and my lack of courage to actually face them is one of the things that are bothering me right now. The other is the unintended homesickness I've been flushed with the last couple of days. I never really miss Sweden. I never really think about Sweden, it's just always mom, dad and the devil called my sister that I miss, but last weekend was spent in Malmö and walking around aimlessly in the city hearing the language made me realize how much I actually miss it. Then on top of that I've started to listen to an amazing Swedish singer whom more than effectively touches my heart with her words and usage of the language in a way that makes me really miss using it myself on a regular basis.

Nop, this isn't working - I'm still awake and my head is as full as ever. I got three and a half hours of sleep yesterday and I'm not intending to make a habit out of it, so I think I'll just try and sort these thoughts out tomorrow, hopefully with better luck. But before I hit the bed, here are some pics from this weekend and the amazing concert with Melissa Horn - Ah Sweden, how I miss being able to say things like "fika" and "skaffa hund" who knew I could miss such simple things...

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