The process of being draged into something you want to do

There’s this thing I do after I decide to do something – I take it back. Almost every time I have a big decision to make I have this process where I start out being 110% sure that I know what I want, then I decide I don’t want it at all, in fact I probably never wanted it in the first place. After that I have the “million thoughts at once” phase which is quite draining and followed by the “I don’t even care, just choose whatever” phase. This is usually where I actually make the decision (that in 99% of the cases is the option I was sure about from the start). The last thing in the decision-making-process is the “no return” phase, you know that feeling after you’ve gotten on a rollercoaster and your locked in and the cart is starting to move and you suddenly realize – why the hell am I risking my life to be swung around a couple of times!? Yep, that’s the feeling after something’s been decided.

I suppose it’s a long way to go to say that decided things make me nervous. I would probably never do anything if I didn’t in some way have to. When I get called to a birth because they think they might have a sick baby, the only way I get my shaky legs over there is knowing that I don’t have a choice, it’s my job and I know how to do it, it’s about realizing that debating if I dare or not is not an option, the cart is already moving.

In a couple of weeks my classes start in Copenhagen and even though some might think it’s no big deal I’m still nervous. It’s a new city; I’m going to be put together with over 100 people I have never met and I’m going to be far away from my friends – not even considering the fact that I’ll be studying things I don’t know and might not be good at. I’m normally really good at staying away from scary things, I rarely take risks so I guess I should be proud of myself for doing this (how little and insignificant it might sound to everybody else) but right now I’m to busy regretting I ever decided to go, maybe I’ll feel good about it afterward – I mean, the best part about a rollercoaster is getting of alive right?