From hunger to supermarket road rage

About an hour and a half ago I was stepping on my bike, peddling with this kind of fierce bubbling rage and frustration. I was ready to write a scornful and probably completely embarrassing post about work. Then I got home and being the smart girl that I am (also having known myself for over 27 years) I decided that getting something to eat had to be priority number one. First basic human needs, then blogging, yes, it sounds reasonable.

So what happened to the rage? The frustration? The indignation?

Gone, completely replaced with an overwhelming sleepiness. Whatever happened at work today doesn’t matter, I don’t even care anymore, I just want to sleep.

It’s such a childish reaction to hunger. I know this, trust me, I’ve been made aware of this stupid fact more times than I wish to admit, still I can’t really control it. Well, I can’t control feeling the way I feel (and I still do think I had a good reason to be pissed today) but luckily I’m getting better at controlling my own reaction to it. I mean, I didn’t yell or make faces at work. I didn’t push the slow grandma in the store standing in my way. So maybe I did looked a little less than friendly at the dad that didn’t bother telling his roughly 6 year old kid (that’s old!) not to pull down his pants and sit on the chees display and maybe I did mutter a little under my breath at the woman trying to cut in line – but that’s just rude and I would have done so even if I hadn’t been food deprived for a whooping nine hours!!

Twisting kind of day

I’m seriously considering pulling on one of my cute dresses and stepping in some heals to do todays chores. I mean, that must be the only reason the housewives from the 50’s are smiling on the pictures! Or better yet, I could just pull of my sweats and put on an apron, apparently that’s the “modern” housewife’s way of doing the sweeping…

Oh well, I guess it’ll have to wait, cause right now I’m going out for a walk with Harry Potter! I’ve found I love audiobooks – I know, I’m so after everybody else, but still, how great is that, reading books while walking, doing grocery shopping or whatever else where carrying an open book along might look weird!? It could have spared me a couple of close calls with speeding cars when I was a kid, yup, I was one of those that walked with her head stuck in a book quite literally, and I loved it!

Anyways, I’ll leave you with my housework soundtrack; Oldies! 

By the way, did you know that every time I mop the floor I have to have twist music blasting? Just like when I was a kid and mom danced around with the mop to the Spanish version of what I later found out are some pretty groovy classic American songs from the 50’s and 60’s!  

Drowning on dry land

On this bright and brisk “spring-ish” windy day I bring you a picture of my near-death experience from this morning. No, it wasn’t getting up early that practically killed me (I’m just as surprised about that as you are!), but the freakishly strong wind that almost pushed me in the water! I kept having the sensation of getting my face pulled off, I found this picture of someone that might know what I’m talking about…

Also I kept having insane thoughts of what actually would happen if I did fall in. How I had to keep my mouth shut and not scream as not to swallow to much water so I’d get chilled before I drowned (which gives a higher rate of survival), but how cold was the water by now anyway? It’s been getting warmer each day… How I’d be rolled in to my own ER and one of my colleagues would have to pull my wet clothes off me, and if I had underwear acceptable for closer scrutiny and who might be on duty today… Quite negative associations now that I think about it.

Have you ever read Marcel Proust's “In Search of Lost Time”? Yeah, that’s how my brain works, constant stream of consciousness, I’m still looking for the off switch.    

The last day on earth

Over 50% of teenagers have considered it before graduating high school. The young doctors I know that have worked in an emergency room practically know the procedure for treating a paracetamol overdose by heart. Some even roll their eyes when they yet again get the call from the nurse telling them “we have a young girl here that has taken too many pills – I’ve already started treatment with charcoal, do you want to come down and see her?”

The reason why the doctors roll their eyes and sigh isn’t really lack of compassion even though it might sound harsh written here in black and white. It is frustration mixed with helplessness, probably the worst feeling ever. I get them, at times maybe I’ve even been one of them but luckily I haven’t actually had that many attempted suicides in my time at the emergency room, so it’s harder to be jaded. But it is frustrating and sad to see one young girl after another being so miserable that they don’t see any other way out – and even worse, seeing the same person come in several times in the same situation. What has happened to a person who sees taking pills as a way to escape, that has that in her frame of reference? Because that’s where it all lays right, in that strange and horrifying thought that some people have suicide as one of their “problem solutions”, that the thought even can occur to them.

Even more horrifying probably, is the fact that even though there is still such a huge stigma attached to it, it’s so overwhelmingly common. Not the actual suicide and not even the attempts (even though they are both way more common than they should!), but the thought. So many people consider it but don’t have an outlet for their emotions, so they just walk around with the heaviest thought you could ever imagine all by them selves. It’s tempting to say that it’s someone’s fault. The parents, the teachers, the psychiatrist, the emergency room doctors who don’t refer every single patient to an extensive psych evaluation, the government for not giving enough money to the people who work with this, the commercials who cause so many self-esteem issues among young people, well I could go on.

But I don’t think you could ever find one particular reason for why this “solution” exists in some peoples head, like with some many other things; I think we have a collective responsibility for the people around us. A responsibility to be the kind of person someone can go to in case of an emotional crisis. In my line of work we often turn out to be the only person there, not because the patients have chosen us but because there isn’t anybody else, I find that the saddest part of all of this.

Parsley Sage Rosemary and Thyme

There are few things I love as much as potatoes. Is that weird? Oven roasted potatoes with rosemary or thyme – mmmm! Right now I’m thinking I might even chose it over chocolate, and that’s saying something!

Today I’ve finally taken my bike to the repairman, hopefully I’ll have functioning wheals by tomorrow afternoon. Afterward I felt like pretending to be JK Rowling and write in a café, but I didn’t find one I liked that actually had an outlet for my computer, so feeling a bit disappointed I came home to make my self a feel-good dinner. Obviously that included oven roasted potatoes and for dessert a Semla. I’m not sure if there is a translation for that, it’s a typical Swedish pastry that is eaten on this day (which I think is the day before lent?).

I’m not sure what to make my evening go with, it’s a bit stressful to know that I don’t really have anything planned for the next couple of days – seeing as I’m off work for about 8 days. Oh, well, I guess I need to learn to not freak for the little things in life, like not having a vacation planned every time I’m off work. Deep breath and a good book might help… I’ll try it this evening anyway. 

Turn me up when you feel low…

There are so many good things with this video that I couldn’t help but posting it! I don’t even remember having heard the song before this Glee episode, which must mean I’m way out of the loop cause this is a great (great!!) song! Besides the great song this clip also includes a beautiful red coat (why don’t I have one!?) that obviously looks pretty with brown hair (like mine…). Lastly it depicts this generations way of serenading, yes it includes a gospel choir and nothing less is going to cut it, just FYI. In the old times there was a dud in tights standing beneath a balcony singing accompanied by his lute, then there were mariachi bands (I shudder with the thought!) and the classic 80’s with the boombox over the shoulder (and I dare you to say anything bad about the boombox in my presence). Now us girls want a little more effort. A remake of a known song specifically chosen for the occasion and fitting for the relationship and a couple of dance moves wouldn’t hurt either.

Come to think of it, there’s an even more elaborate way of serenading someone but I’m thinking you’ll need many really (really!!) good friends to help you out with this one… Did you see Friends with Benefits? If not, this (being the last scene and all) might be considered a major spoiler, just so you know.

Some might be embarrassed by this obvious lack of taste in movies, but I set out to be honest, and honest I will be. I love these kind of movies, corny, funny, totally predictable and still, they leave me with a smile and a warm and mushy feeling inside – you know the “aaaawww” feeling of seeing a cute puppy.

So, serenading – a totally underrated (and obviously simple) thing to do that is having a much deserved come back! Now go on and start planning your own, you know you want to (even if you’ll only sing it in the shower…).  

Driving without a map

I’ve always considered myself a planning person, I’ve always known what I wanted to study and what I wanted to work as, even as a kid. So imagine my surprise when I was described as a person who takes things as they come a couple of years ago. I thought, wow, that sounds great, I wish it was true.

Recently though I’ve been thinking that maybe I was wrong and he was right (and trust me, I don’t like how that rings…). Plans usually include some sort of, well plan, you know? An assessment of how you are getting “there” – a map if you will. I’ve never had a map, or been able to read a map properly in my entire life. I’ve always just had a goal, a direction that was somehow very clearly defined and also very far away. If I’d been asked how I was going to become a doctor the year before I started med.school I wouldn’t have been able to answer the question.

My grades were high, but not high enough and my “SAT”-scores (aka Högskoleprovet) were good but not nearly as good as they needed to be to get in to med.school. I had at that point never even considered to study abroad. Then suddenly a classmate decides she’s going to do it and she tells me how I can apply. I don’t even remember thinking it through beforehand, I just sent the application in. The goal was to become a doctor and now, with very little own doing, I was on my way.

The point of this is, that this last decade (well almost anyway!) was planned out for me as soon as I applied. There was very little independent thought mixed in with it all, I just followed the plan laid out by the university and fooled myself into thinking I had actually planned something myself. Now comes the difficult step – thinking for myself. Now I realize that I have nothing but dreams, goals and wishes and there is no university in the world that can make most of them come true. Now the description of me, “taking things as they come” is very much true, but I don’t know how great I think it is. Mostly it’s just frightening, paralyzing fear in the pit of my stomach, but sometimes a little hint of excitement blends in and I guess that’s the part I’m trying to hold on to.

This picture is from this morning, the view from my sleeping quarters at the hospital – me, a doctor having a nightshift, sleeping in the hospital, giving medicine to people and sticking tubes in their chests – the most normal thing in the world. I’m still dumfounded at how that is even possible sometimes, how did I get here without a map? On the other hand, I guess that should give me some comfort that the rest of it will probably work it self out somehow too, who knows, maybe I’ll be saying the same thing in a year about a completely different unimaginable situation?

Hands

   “If I could tell the world just one thing

   It would be we’re all ok

   And not to worry because worry is wasteful

   And useless in times like these”

 

   Trying to remember and live by Jewels beautiful lyrics.

The hardship of getting out of bed

I woke this morning by my phone practically buzzing of the nightstand and of course I was too disoriented to figure out how you answer an iPhone, not even counting the fact that I hate (and I do use the word hate) and practically never answer when someone calls from a blocked number. Anyway, I suppose it was from work as they called again about an hour later wondering if I could cover a shift tonight. I thought, sure, why not, a shorter shift and more money than my shift tomorrow. Then they call again, an hour and a half later canceling it! Christ!

Oh, well, now I’m back to having the whole day off and I guess that’s not too shabby either. I need to get to all those “back-after-vacation-things” that I haven’t had time to do. Laundry needs to get done, groceries bought, books returned to the library. I don’t mind really, if only I get a couple more minutes with my feet on the radiator and the soft vocals of Greg Laswell on Spotify.

Bad teacher

If I had any kind of decency I’d be panicked by now. In less than ten hours I’m going to teach a class at university. I should have a racing heart, sweaty palms and an outfit picked out. Oh, and maybe even a proper lesson planed. Instead I have no idea where my classroom is or how I’ll get to the university, I don’t know how the facilities are (do I have a whiteboard? or something I can connect my computer to? do I even have pen and paper?), I don’t know how much experience my students have in this particular subject and I most certainly don’t know what I’ll wear tomorrow.

Obviously the location and transportation is highly relevant – but believe it or not, so is the outfit. I can’t walk in there feeling like anything less than a kickass teacher and a big part of that, other than being prepared (and I’m so getting to that after I write this post…!) is presenting a good image. And how do you get the image and feel of a kickass teacher? Well, I don’t really know exactly, but I do know that (like in so many important events in ones life) it involves heals.

After spending no less than a week wandering the cobblestoned streets of Stockholm and then just getting an evening off before trotting off for a day in Aarhus with more cobblestoned streets and a stiletto requiring party with dancing until 3.30 in the morning – my feet and I are not on speaking terms.

Well, I guess I should try to find out how to get to my class tomorrow and try not to worry about how I’ll stand for eight hours straight in heals – and then, if I get a little time over, I guess I should try figuring out what to say to the students that expect to learn something from me… Christ, what a joke – I’ll probably give Cameron Dias a good competition for the Bad Teacher nomination of the year…

I guess it’s what they call home

Wow! Seven days since my last post! I’ve been a busy busy girl – actually, I’ve been a very relaxed, cold, happy, free girl without internet access. After my last shift I hurried home to put the last pair of pants in my bag and hurried of to the airport. I’ve spent a pretty intense week in Stockholm. An evening with high school friends, a day with mom, four trips to the airport, one very interesting meeting with an airport guy, a day with dad, a couple of days wandering around Stockholm finding new cafés and ruining my feet and my favorite shoes and several wonderful evenings with my favorite person in the world! (If you don’t know that’s my sister you don’t know me very well!)

I needed to get away, I needed to laugh so much I couldn’t breath or walk, I needed to talk and talk until everything seems like it’s been dealt with twice but you still have more to say – I needed some days with family. I know it sounds selfish, but the very best part of spending time with my sister is remembering how much I like myself (I know, it sounds weird!). I’m funny and deep and have meaningful conversations and take care of her and let her take care of me, I’m so completely myself, that it really feels like a vacation from all the roles you play in your life on a daily basis. All in all, a great week!

Ketchup

Ever heard of the Ketchup-effect? I’ve never really believed it. I always figured the people who said so were just generally lucky and I’m generally not. I mean, girls who get one date and then suddenly have ten dates with ten different guys (while I’m still looking for one) are just bitches you know – in my humble (non-bitter) opinion, and generally lucky or easy (or both)… But this wasn’t supposed to be me bashing on other girls (hmm… kind of ironic considering my last post actually).

Today I received the fifth job offer. Last week I was sure I would be unemployed and homeless by the first of April – now I’m turning down good jobs! I love it! Confidence boost like you wouldn’t believe it! So far two pediatric wards have offered me positions (one of witch I took, obviously) and all three of the Child and Adolescent Psychiatric departments where I’ve applied have offered me a job. Obviously psychiatry isn’t very popular, but still – I don’t care, I’m just happy they would consider me for the job!

I thought this picture was a better description for how it feels rather than the picture of a bottle of ketchup that was the alternative. Whatever happened to real letters anyway? I totally miss them…

A mix of parisienne and mad men

This must be the greatest poster I’ve seen all year! I found it at this very funny and cool blog Paris vs. New York where you can buy it – and other posters like it. I’m thinking that as soon as I have 200 Euros laying around, that baby will be mine!

Anyways, I’m having another day off work. Yes, the life of a surgical resident is very hard indeed. So far my day has been spent sleeping in, eating a seriously huge breakfast (I mean, egg and smoothie and cheese and rye bread – that’s huge compared to the usual cup of coffee while putting on mascara!) and talking on the phone. The rest of the day I need to prepare my communication class that I’m teaching in about 10 days, I have no idea what to say – and I’m guessing that’s a bad thing considering the topic of the class… Also I need to pack so I’m ready to just grab my stuff and head for the airport on Saturday (after a 25 hour shift mind you!).

I’m thinking a cup of coffee in a quiet café with Strauss in my headphones should be the perfect way to plan a class, or at least read the compendium for the class. If it wasn’t so cold I could totally wear my LBD and heals whilst working on my laptop – that must be the perfect combination of Parisienne and Mad Men don’t you think? Or maybe I need to ad a glass of scotch and some pearls to be a real mix…

Who run the world?

We had a lovely evening yesterday with bubbles, chicken and chocolate ganache, although not in that specific order. There was talking and laughing and best of all (well for me at least) a lot of advise giving, so that I’m a bit closer to deciding how to figure out my living situation.
I’m always so surprised when I hear about girl fights – and I’m not talking about neither cat- nor pillow! Obviously I’ve had disagreements with my girlfriends, periods when we see less of each other and even times when you think the friendship might be slipping away or is in fact lost. But during non of those times I have ever experienced the backstabbing, selfish, competitive bitch behavior I sometimes hear being called “typical girl behavior” (ok, so for the sake of complete honesty I might have one experience with a backstabbing and selfish girl – but I’m considering her the exception that makes the rule!). It is such a misconception that girls can’t play three at a time, that there is always a competition going on or that there is always an element of jealousy and talking behind one another’s backs.
I know that when we toast and wish each other congratulations with our big as well as small accomplishes we mean it, and I can’t understand how anyone can get through the crap in this life without having that.
So, to answer the question – Girls!