Tied up in ancient history

If I had a cat-sweater I would look like this tomorrow... And if I had a couple of thousands laying around I'd definitely get the boots. If you do have a couple of thousands you can look the stuff up here. 

Ah, the mind numbing pleasure of browsing for clothes, the perfect recuperation after reading papers about the treatment of hypo- and hypernatremia in children - seven years of med.school and 1,5 years of working, and I'm re-reading stuff I should have learned in my third year, amazing...

The city of light

...in black and white.

Last Thursday, at an unreasonably early hour, we left the city sometimes referred to as "the northern Paris" for the real and original Paris.

In Paris we gawked at the beautiful buildings and the always mesmerizing Seine. There really is something magical about walking by it's bank and pretending to be a part of the chic city.

The first day was exceptionally long. We came in early, left our baggage at the hotel and went for lunch at a bistro nearby. We walked around the neighborhood and spontaneously bought tickets for a ballet that same evening, then we hurried home to change and leave for the Opera. When we came back after midnight the view from our room was the one above, not to shabby if I may say so myself.

Our second day in Paris was spent on the Seine. I know it's touristy but it was actually really great to get an overview of the city at the same time as you rest your feet and get the chance to talk and talk. Not to mention that you get to see all the really beautiful bridges they have, man some people really know how to cross water in style!

While looking for a place to eat we suddenly discovered we were right outside the Centre Pompidou which I'd never seen before, so again we stopped and gawked at the insanely cool building. This is actually one of the things I regret we didn't do, go inside. Next time...

Sunday was museum day and I'm not kidding you when I say my neck hurt almost as much as my feet after hours and hours of walking up and down the paintings area at the Louvre looking both at the paintings and the building - and the ceilings, I mean, wow! I could have spent days in there, specially if I could have kicked everybody else out, imagine walking around alone in peace and quiet just being amazed. Then we had the unfortunate incident of me loosing my ticket while we were out getting something to eat but I don't want to think about that and how typical of me that is...

Anyways, moving on to something that doesn't make me want to punch myself in the face... After walking for hours at the Louvre we were fortunate enough to come out to sunshine and summer, well at least it felt like summer to us coming from the cold north! We sat looking at the Concord and the Arc de Triomphe from the Tuileries gardens and the next day, just hours before boarding our plane home we sat at a café in Montmartre enjoying the breathtaking view and calling ourselves the luckies girls in France!

Me - the before version

It's amazing how shaky my foundation is when a tiny little incident can bring me to tears. I never used to be like that. In fact I used to laugh a little and look down at people who cried about everything and nothing, and now here I am, a crybaby like you've never seen one.

A couple of days ago when I thought I had under-reacted to something at work I felt like that said something about how deeply inept I am at my job, like I could never learn and do better. Of course that is a huge overreaction to the situation! Not only can I learn to be better, I have to - I'm still far (far!) from being the doctor I'm going to be, this is me the "before" version. The fact that our boss the next day (while I was busy trying to apologize for my mistake) said that she actually thought my approach was better and that it was the one she would have chosen, makes me feel heaps better, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to accept that to become the doctor I want to be I'm going to be able to handle people correcting me. The biggest problem with this? Most people are horrible at doing it in a good way.

I've been thinking a lot about how one simple comment could affect me that much, I mean sad and disappointed is expected - but devastated is just a whole other ballpark! What I have narrowed it down to is just that - the way it was said. I've been corrected before of course, but never have I been made to feel like I was the stupidest and/or most irresponsible person to walk in to a hospital. I've never been looked at with that kind of exasperation and the "you'll never learn" expression she had plastered on her face. I might make a mistake and I might overlook something at some point, but I'm not stupid, I'm in no way irresponsible and I will always learn from it, anyone saying otherwise is just plain wrong.

The late night whispers

To walk out of a room, with lumps in your throat and stones in your stomach shaking inside trying the impossible task of turning back time - or kicking yourself in the head. Gritting teeth and blushing just thinking of your own stupidity, having a hard time meeting someone else’s eye. Trying to hold your ground while voices in your head snicker and chant the depressing "you can't do this, you are too stupid and too slow, who the hell do you think you are trying to save someone’s life?" Knowing deep down that they aren't true, that you can't give up, that you were meant to do this.

                                               

À bientôt

So I've been writing a bunch of stuff for the blog, but I seem to get stuck with the wrapping up part, so now I have like four half finished posts and nothing to post. That's actually me in a nutshell. Anyways, I don't intend to write anything more this evening, I've already spent several hours at my favorite café trying to do just that so I'm putting this writing day to rest now. Instead I'll dig thru my closet to see if I can find anything like the outfit below and trow it in a bag because yes, like I mentioned earlier this weekend it is finally time!

To see where the stuff is from just follow the link by clicking on the outfit :-) 

When the leaves come falling down

I don't know if you've noticed but it's definitely fall outside. The mornings are pitch dark and the cold air pinches your cheeks enough to save you some strokes of blush. Like I mentioned a while ago in this post, for once I've actually got things I'm looking forwards to this fall, one of them is finally coming up next week! Can't wait!

One of the things I've started doing these last couple of weeks is visiting the farmers market every Saturday, it's not really for the vegetables though, it's for the flowers! I absolutely love (love!) having fresh flowers at home, and isn't the color of the flowers above just beautiful? It's even the color of the season - perfect for me as I happen to love burgundy almost as much as flowers!

My favorite dress this fall might just be the burgundy here on the right. I'm wearing it under the coat in the picture to the left on my way out for a walk and some milk shopping. As it happens just after I took this picture I put the wallet in my right hand down for a second - and left it at home. So instead of buying milk I ended up walking around in my neighborhood taking pictures of the pretty autumn trees.

So yep, that's kind of been my latest week; flowers, walking outside when it's not raining (in what happened to be a bit too short of a dress for the cold) and bitching over not having milk for my tea in the morning - I think you can imagine I'm looking forward to a change of pace... 

Going up?

What do you do in an elevator when no one can see you?
- And if you say you never take the elevator because you're such a healthy person - bite me!

I always think about this when I'm in an elevator. What would the person next to me be doing if I weren't here? The reason why I wonder is because I often find myself doing strange things in elevators. It's this private space in the middle of a usually very public area and I think those kinds of places are always a bit interesting.

Ok, so maybe I haven't made out with Romeo aka Leonardo DiCaprio - but I have slipped out of my pantie hoes that had gotten ripped and stuffed them in my bag before getting out.

Nop, no smoldering eyes or witnessing of a head bashing - instead I have danced to a really good song and been paralyzed with shame when the doors opened unexpectedly.

  

Can't say I've had help taking my pants off in an elevator, but I have had them off... I've happened to put on my scrub pants backwards (yes, that can happen when you're rushed out of bed at four in the morning to tend to a sick baby!) and with my heart in my throat I've switched them, praying I wouldn't be caught literally with my pants down. This has actually happened more than once now that I think of it...

Well maybe my activities in the elevator aren't quite as epic as having Ryan Gosling staring into my eyes, but I didn't say epic, I said strange...

And there are of course the normal stuff (I'm guessing) you might do, like check your makeup, fix your hair, sing along to your iPod, change your shoes, start to undress (the appropriate stuff only of course!) before running out when being late to work and lastly take your picture with your phone. This I do at the same time as I curse over the fact that I have the old iPhone3 that doesn't have the camera on both sides so I always look like an idiot on the pictures (although there might be several reasons for that)...

So anyways, I've become increasingly fascinated by these tiny compartments that you share with strangers and that give you a tiny bit of privacy in the midst of rushing from A to B, and I'm thinking after seeing these pictures above that I might have to try some of them... you know, just to keep exploring the amazing things that are elevators. (or Ryan Gosling, I'll take either...) 

Ps. the pictures are links to the sources of the pictures or a video of the movie - except the last one, I don't remember where I found that one...

Dancing off to work

Today I've been listening to this lady - I've never heard any of her songs before, but I kind of like them. Here's one of her older ones for your viewing pleasure while I get my boots on and head to work. 

Another night another dollar... hmm, that definitely sounds worse than it is.

Watching the days go by

So the reason why there's been a bit of a radio silence here on the blog is unfortunately not because my life suddenly has become super interesting and I'm up to my ears in social engagements - this might actually be called the opposite. Well at least I'm happy that it's not because my computer has broken down, which is normally the reason why I'm not writing. The fact is I'm sort of in a rut. It's been almost a week and I can't seem to shake it. I could blame the rain, the fall or the tiredness but I'm not sure if that's all... oh well, I'll snap out of it soon enough.

Anyways, when I'm in a rut I usually fall straight into a pretty predictable pattern. I submerge in a new series, I stop cooking, stop reading (unless I fall into a new book instead of a series), avoid contact with the outside world and of course, stop writing. 

This time it's Homeland that has caught my eye. It's surprisingly good and intriguing. It stars Claire Danes and that should say enough. She is a great and totally underrated actress. A while ago (I don't want to say 20 years cause it's going to make me seem old but something like that) she made "My So-Called Life" which is the perfect teenage-drama and if you haven't seen it you really should check it out!

Oh, and this last picture? Well that's just my feet. The most challenging thing I've done today was making shadows with my feet while laying in bed. I can't say this day is going down as one of the most memorable ones, but I think there's something kind of liberating about not giving a damn and just spending an entire day without pants and without coming close to a mascara brush.  

Driving away from the wreck of the day

There are so many reasons to give up. Always, everyday, there are reasons to just quit and throw it all to hell. Some people do, I suppose a lot of people do in some way. Either you stop doing what your doing, or worse you stop hoping and dreaming. I mean it's one thing to change your method, that's just smart, or maybe adjust your goal a little - if it's possible without compromising the core purpose. But to give up, that's just not ok.

The thing is that no matter how hard or impossible it seems today, tomorrow may be the day you break through and find the solution you've been looking for. I realize it sounds very cliché but it's not really a sappy old saying, it's just the truth. The only constant thing in life is change. At my worst and at my best I always have a saying in my mind - "This too shall pass". It is the most comforting and humbling thing I can think of and no matter what the situation it always makes me feel better if things are hard, or appreciate the good time I'm having even more.

The first time I remember someone alluding to this fact was when I started 3rd grade. Our teacher, whom I admired and desperately wanted to be like, told the class to be nice to the new kids in the 1st grade, to show them around and help them if they needed it. She said that we might be the biggest kids in school this year but next year we were moving to another school and would be the youngest again, and that would continue through all our life, one day we're on top and the next in the bottom, so we should remember that being the biggest and best was fleeting, it never lasts. Maybe it's a big thing to lay on a 9 year old, but I've had it in the back of my mind ever since. If I'm on top I'm probably on my way down and vice versa, it's just the cycle of life.

So getting to the point, you may have bad days, lousy weeks and horrendous never ending months that feel like years, but sooner or later that too will pass, and you can't just give up before that happens, because what if that's tomorrow?

Oh, and by the way, I just got an e-mail from one of my colleagues telling me she'll take my shift the 23rd of december....

Do you want to start over?

I'm having one of those days that only people cursed by Murphy's law know about. One of those days where the cold you were hoping to shake has gotten worse, your bus is late in the morning, you cough your way through the presentation you finished at about 11 PM last night, your fever won't break and decisions need to be made through a hazy feverish mist. Those days can only end in the way this one did - with me spilling red wine on my beige coat in the supermarket. You might ask yourself - was I buying wine to drown my sorrows? No, not even. I was tasting from those mini cups they sometimes put out in the supermarket and I dropped it, yes I dropped a mini cup of wine all over my beige coat while standing next to the bread aisle and had to continue my shopping wearing a beautifully stained coat - and it's not even friday.

So is this all there is? Is this really what makes this day suck and blow? (As Bart would put it...)

Of course not. This is also the day where I have had the amazingly bad luck of receiving the worst schedule for Christmas ever. We drew straws, I should have known it was a bad idea considering the day I was having. So, am I working on Christmas Eve? Nop. Christmas Day? Nop. New Years Eve or New Years Day? Nop and nop. I am the lucky winner of 24-hour shifts on the 23rd and the 26th. That would be an amazing combo for anyone but me. I have over 6 hours way home to my parents - that means that I could maybe make it home to Christmas dinner on the 24th (that is assuming busses, trains and flights work as usual and fit perfectly together) only to take the whole trip back again on the morning of the 25th - again, assuming there is functioning public transportation. This is by no means possible. So I'm stuck, here, not working, alone, on Christmas.

The worst part? This week only just started.

If you hear a whimper it's me dying of a cold

I'm not sure why but sickness always feels like a personal insult or set back - it's like I shouldn't be able to get sick somehow. I always get pissy and utterly irritated (apart from extremely self-pitying), much worse than any normal person should. It’s a bit embarrassing actually.

Anyway, I’ve been on a short trip to Sweden even though I had about one thousand things that I had to get done this weekend (actually three, but they feel like much more!). It’s been lovely during the day, but during the nights the fact that I’m so behind on my other stuff has been giving me heart palpitations. I’ve been trying to get some work done in the mornings or right before bed, but it is quite impossible being at home. So imagine my frustration when I wake up this morning (to this day that was supposed to be a travel/work-day) with a sore throat, fever and a runny nose. The bus ride to the airport was spent half asleep and fighting nausea. Once at the airport the plane get getting delayed and I kept getting worse shivering and coughing. When I finally get on the plane with the full intention of getting some work done I’m seated next to two “natural medicine” sales representatives. Very friendly, talkative and extremely enthused about their product – very cliché if I may say so myself. I’m not very into alternative medicine (to say the least!) and one hour with a dude asking me if I’d ever heard of nitric oxide, antioxidants, fish oil and the benefits of “all sorts of vitamins and minerals” in blueberries (and yes, he was aware of the fact that I’m a doctor!) very nearly did me in.

I truly become a horrible person when I get sick; I really wanted to kick him in the shin just to get him to shut up! It’s not (just) the fact that he’s talking about “curing” ADHD and diabetic neuropathy (which he didn’t know the name of) – it’s just the fact that he’s talking, to ME, while I’m sick – that is just the worse crime you can ever commit!

To get just little tiny bit positive I did score “A great tasting nutrient and vitamin rich powerhouse. Based on the wild Alaskan blueberry and other Super Fruits” – aka a 29ml blueberry extract that is supposed to cure my cold before I get home…  Oh well, it can't hurt to try. Bottoms up!

To dance with a devil on your back

Why is it that despite the fact that all of my girlfriends are intelligent, competent and ambitious girls, the most common topic of conversation is how we’re not doing everything we’re supposed? How we’re floundering, barely keeping our head above water trying to juggle careers, family, friends and sanity in an act worthy of a huge red circus tent. We compare us to each other always reaching the conclusion that the other one is doing so much better than oneself, not in a bitter jealous way, but in an admiring “you are so cool, I wish I was more like you”-kind of way. Still, comparing is of course never a good thing. The problem is both that you put yourself down and undermine the great things you do but also that the friend that you’re comparing yourself to probably doesn’t want you to feel beneath her so she ends up putting down her own achievements and building you up while feeling guilty about her own success, and just like that we have two friends in the most idiotic competition there is –the “who’s the biggest loser?” competition.

The fact is that none of us is doing 100% in all areas and I’m pretty sure that’s not even possible, but why is that so bad? Why do we think we can sit on two chairs at once? Many of the things we want are sometimes almost mutually exclusive, so trying to combine them is nearly impossible – being a fulltime mom while being a fulltime worker? Working your ass of to get your dream job and dropping the whole career-treadmill to do voluntary work? Moving to another country to get the adventure you’ve been waiting for or staying at home with the boyfriends that can’t come along?

I’ve always said that I want “the whole package” – I want a great career, a happy family, to travel and work abroad, have amazing friends (whom I actually see regularly!) and to still have time for myself and my own thoughts. I want everything – and the thing is I don’t think it’s impossible; it’s just impossible to have it all (and excel at everything) at once! It seems so easy to think reasonable about this when I’m thinking about my friends, it’s so clear to me that they are really working hard to get all of lives puzzle pieces to fit together – and that they are doing a great job at it! Only when it comes to oneself it’s really hard to shake the thought that you could do better in _______ (insert area of choice here and please try to avoid writing “everything”).

Personally I’m trying to go a bit easier on myself about everything that I could be doing better, mostly because I want to be able tell my hardworking friends to do the same without being a hypocrite, but also because it’s too hard to run a good race at the same time as you’re kicking yourself down. Or like Florence and The Machine would say it; “it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back” – so don’t be your own devil.

To find the source of the rad pictures above just go here

You think you know - but you have no idea...

I’m not sure why but I always take special pride in not being an easy read. One of my favourite things to say (or at least think) is – you don’t even know me! It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I’ve just met or someone I’ve known for years, I still ultimately believe that nobody knows me that well. There are a lot of things from my past and my family life that I don’t tell and don’t deal with – things I pretend are irrelevant for my current situation but that probably (or actually, with 100% certainty!) are defining factors in understanding why I am the way I am.

This summer I was called an ostrich – I don’t remember if the word coward was actually uttered, but it was definitely implied. I’m sure people have thought it before but no one has ever said it to my face. I’d never thought about myself as a coward, well at least not concerning the whole “dealing with your past”-thing. I mean I know I never (ever!) tell a guy I like him, or walk up to someone in a bar or anything like that – in that sense I am a huge (!) coward, but I mean, a lot of people are when it comes to those things (right?).

So maybe I am a coward, I think things are revealed – or dealt with – when the time is right, no reason to go digging.

Hmm… where did I actually come from…? Oh yeah, the “you don’t even know me” thing. Turns out I’m a pretty easy read for some people despite of myself, specially when it comes to good things. I can’t hide it when I’m happy, I’m much better at hiding it when I’m sad or pissed, but have you ever tried to stop smiling or blushing when a friend is on to you about something that is making you very happy? It’s impossible!

So I guess some people actually do know how to read me (even through a webcam!) and I’m happy that they do – it means I’ve showed them a bit of myself in the last (almost) decade. Even more importantly they’ve actually taken the time and effort to get to know me and learn to read me, because it is ultimately a two-person-job, it’s not only the opening up and showing oneself, it’s just as much the having someone looking and wanting to know.

The picture is as usual from here