Sep 27, 2012

Driving away from the wreck of the day

There are so many reasons to give up. Always, everyday, there are reasons to just quit and throw it all to hell. Some people do, I suppose a lot of people do in some way. Either you stop doing what your doing, or worse you stop hoping and dreaming. I mean it's one thing to change your method, that's just smart, or maybe adjust your goal a little - if it's possible without compromising the core purpose. But to give up, that's just not ok.

The thing is that no matter how hard or impossible it seems today, tomorrow may be the day you break through and find the solution you've been looking for. I realize it sounds very cliché but it's not really a sappy old saying, it's just the truth. The only constant thing in life is change. At my worst and at my best I always have a saying in my mind - "This too shall pass". It is the most comforting and humbling thing I can think of and no matter what the situation it always makes me feel better if things are hard, or appreciate the good time I'm having even more.

The first time I remember someone alluding to this fact was when I started 3rd grade. Our teacher, whom I admired and desperately wanted to be like, told the class to be nice to the new kids in the 1st grade, to show them around and help them if they needed it. She said that we might be the biggest kids in school this year but next year we were moving to another school and would be the youngest again, and that would continue through all our life, one day we're on top and the next in the bottom, so we should remember that being the biggest and best was fleeting, it never lasts. Maybe it's a big thing to lay on a 9 year old, but I've had it in the back of my mind ever since. If I'm on top I'm probably on my way down and vice versa, it's just the cycle of life.

So getting to the point, you may have bad days, lousy weeks and horrendous never ending months that feel like years, but sooner or later that too will pass, and you can't just give up before that happens, because what if that's tomorrow?


Oh, and by the way, I just got an e-mail from one of my colleagues telling me she'll take my shift the 23rd of december....

Sep 25, 2012

Do you want to start over?

I'm having one of those days that only people cursed by Murphy's law know about. One of those days where the cold you were hoping to shake has gotten worse, your bus is late in the morning, you cough your way through the presentation you finished at about 11 PM last night, your fever won't break and decisions need to be made through a hazy feverish mist. Those days can only end in the way this one did - with me spilling red wine on my beige coat in the supermarket. You might ask yourself - was I buying wine to drown my sorrows? No, not even. I was tasting from those mini cups they sometimes put out in the supermarket and I dropped it, yes I dropped a mini cup of wine all over my beige coat while standing next to the bread aisle and had to continue my shopping wearing a beautifully stained coat - and it's not even friday.

So is this all there is? Is this really what makes this day suck and blow? (As Bart would put it...)

Of course not. This is also the day where I have had the amazingly bad luck of receiving the worst schedule for Christmas ever. We drew straws, I should have known it was a bad idea considering the day I was having. So, am I working on Christmas Eve? Nop. Christmas Day? Nop. New Years Eve or New Years Day? Nop and nop. I am the lucky winner of 24-hour shifts on the 23rd and the 26th. That would be an amazing combo for anyone but me. I have over 6 hours way home to my parents - that means that I could maybe make it home to Christmas dinner on the 24th (that is assuming busses, trains and flights work as usual and fit perfectly together) only to take the whole trip back again on the morning of the 25th - again, assuming there is functioning public transportation. This is by no means possible. So I'm stuck, here, not working, alone, on Christmas.

The worst part? This week only just started.

Sep 23, 2012

If you hear a whimper it's me dying of a cold


I'm not sure why but sickness always feels like a personal insult or set back - it's like I shouldn't be able to get sick somehow. I always get pissy and utterly irritated (apart from extremely self-pitying), much worse than any normal person should. It’s a bit embarrassing actually.

Anyway, I’ve been on a short trip to Sweden even though I had about one thousand things that I had to get done this weekend (actually three, but they feel like much more!). It’s been lovely during the day, but during the nights the fact that I’m so behind on my other stuff has been giving me heart palpitations. I’ve been trying to get some work done in the mornings or right before bed, but it is quite impossible being at home. So imagine my frustration when I wake up this morning (to this day that was supposed to be a travel/work-day) with a sore throat, fever and a runny nose. The bus ride to the airport was spent half asleep and fighting nausea. Once at the airport the plane get getting delayed and I kept getting worse shivering and coughing. When I finally get on the plane with the full intention of getting some work done I’m seated next to two “natural medicine” sales representatives. Very friendly, talkative and extremely enthused about their product – very cliché if I may say so myself. I’m not very into alternative medicine (to say the least!) and one hour with a dude asking me if I’d ever heard of nitric oxide, antioxidants, fish oil and the benefits of “all sorts of vitamins and minerals” in blueberries (and yes, he was aware of the fact that I’m a doctor!) very nearly did me in.

I truly become a horrible person when I get sick; I really wanted to kick him in the shin just to get him to shut up! It’s not (just) the fact that he’s talking about “curing” ADHD and diabetic neuropathy (which he didn’t know the name of) – it’s just the fact that he’s talking, to ME, while I’m sick – that is just the worse crime you can ever commit!

To get just little tiny bit positive I did score “A great tasting nutrient and vitamin rich powerhouse. Based on the wild Alaskan blueberry and other Super Fruits” – aka a 29ml blueberry extract that is supposed to cure my cold before I get home…  Oh well, it can't hurt to try. Bottoms up!



Sep 20, 2012

To dance with a devil on your back



Why is it that despite the fact that all of my girlfriends are intelligent, competent and ambitious girls, the most common topic of conversation is how we’re not doing everything we’re supposed? How we’re floundering, barely keeping our head above water trying to juggle careers, family, friends and sanity in an act worthy of a huge red circus tent. We compare us to each other always reaching the conclusion that the other one is doing so much better than oneself, not in a bitter jealous way, but in an admiring “you are so cool, I wish I was more like you”-kind of way. Still, comparing is of course never a good thing. The problem is both that you put yourself down and undermine the great things you do but also that the friend that you’re comparing yourself to probably doesn’t want you to feel beneath her so she ends up putting down her own achievements and building you up while feeling guilty about her own success, and just like that we have two friends in the most idiotic competition there is –the “who’s the biggest loser?” competition.

The fact is that none of us is doing 100% in all areas and I’m pretty sure that’s not even possible, but why is that so bad? Why do we think we can sit on two chairs at once? Many of the things we want are sometimes almost mutually exclusive, so trying to combine them is nearly impossible – being a fulltime mom while being a fulltime worker? Working your ass of to get your dream job and dropping the whole career-treadmill to do voluntary work? Moving to another country to get the adventure you’ve been waiting for or staying at home with the boyfriends that can’t come along?


I’ve always said that I want “the whole package” – I want a great career, a happy family, to travel and work abroad, have amazing friends (whom I actually see regularly!) and to still have time for myself and my own thoughts. I want everything – and the thing is I don’t think it’s impossible; it’s just impossible to have it all (and excel at everything) at once! It seems so easy to think reasonable about this when I’m thinking about my friends, it’s so clear to me that they are really working hard to get all of lives puzzle pieces to fit together – and that they are doing a great job at it! Only when it comes to oneself it’s really hard to shake the thought that you could do better in _______ (insert area of choice here and please try to avoid writing “everything”).

Personally I’m trying to go a bit easier on myself about everything that I could be doing better, mostly because I want to be able tell my hardworking friends to do the same without being a hypocrite, but also because it’s too hard to run a good race at the same time as you’re kicking yourself down. Or like Florence and The Machine would say it; “it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back” – so don’t be your own devil.


To find the source of the rad pictures above just go here

Sep 17, 2012

You think you know - but you have no idea...

I’m not sure why but I always take special pride in not being an easy read. One of my favourite things to say (or at least think) is – you don’t even know me! It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I’ve just met or someone I’ve known for years, I still ultimately believe that nobody knows me that well. There are a lot of things from my past and my family life that I don’t tell and don’t deal with – things I pretend are irrelevant for my current situation but that probably (or actually, with 100% certainty!) are defining factors in understanding why I am the way I am.

This summer I was called an ostrich – I don’t remember if the word coward was actually uttered, but it was definitely implied. I’m sure people have thought it before but no one has ever said it to my face. I’d never thought about myself as a coward, well at least not concerning the whole “dealing with your past”-thing. I mean I know I never (ever!) tell a guy I like him, or walk up to someone in a bar or anything like that – in that sense I am a huge (!) coward, but I mean, a lot of people are when it comes to those things (right?).

So maybe I am a coward, I think things are revealed – or dealt with – when the time is right, no reason to go digging.

Hmm… where did I actually come from…? Oh yeah, the “you don’t even know me” thing. Turns out I’m a pretty easy read for some people despite of myself, specially when it comes to good things. I can’t hide it when I’m happy, I’m much better at hiding it when I’m sad or pissed, but have you ever tried to stop smiling or blushing when a friend is on to you about something that is making you very happy? It’s impossible!

So I guess some people actually do know how to read me (even through a webcam!) and I’m happy that they do – it means I’ve showed them a bit of myself in the last (almost) decade. Even more importantly they’ve actually taken the time and effort to get to know me and learn to read me, because it is ultimately a two-person-job, it’s not only the opening up and showing oneself, it’s just as much the having someone looking and wanting to know.


The picture is as usual from here

Sep 15, 2012

A place in hell

Ever heard the Madeline Albright quotation that says "there's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women"? I’ve always liked it. I still do, only now I think it might mean I’m going to hell and I must say, I’m not thrilled about that.

I hate to be the kind of person that stands in the way of another girl getting ahead, I just really (really!) hate having another girl shoved in front of me when I’m just trying to get used to the thought that I might need to compete really hard to get what I want. I hate competitions. Actually I hate to lose (and usually I do) so mostly I just kind of stay away from the whole thing – I know it’s stupid. I suppose it’s the story of my life, for risk of losing I don’t get in the game and instead stand back thinking of myself as the bigger person who steps aside to let someone else get a chance, while simultaneously kicking my self for being such an idiot.
Another (stupid) saying is “good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere”. Ultimately I don’t think you need to be a bad girl to get everywhere, but maybe you just don’t need to bend over backwards to let someone else pass you either?

I really don't want to be an idiot.

Right now I’m struggling to find a middle way in this because I’m finding it close to impossible, hopefully I’ll figure it out before long and before I lose more sleep over it – because good girl or bad girl, a sleep deprived girl is in this case also known as a grumpy bitch.